AS SOON AS I FINISHup at the U.N. for the day, I hop in the back of the Escalade rental and head for dinner with my old schoolmate/best friend, Chaz Williams. He fell in love with an American supermodel/tyrant, married her, then moved to New York several years ago. His wife and Tessa couldn’t be more different. Not the gorgeous part—Tessa’s obviously very beautiful—but as far as Chaz’s wife is a total nightmare and Tessa’s basically perfect.
But enough about Janica. Chaz and I rarely see each other anymore, so as the limo crawls through Manhattan rush hour, I’m starting to feel rather excited (especially because he texted that his wife has to stay home because the nanny forgot she was supposed to stay late and has to go work her second job. Hmm...how much aren’t they paying her for her to require two jobs?)
Anyway, Chaz is my only friend who is married with children, so I’m hoping to get a little advice from him about the whole sex after children thing. I figure if I take what he says, then multiply by twenty, that's likely going to give me an accurate portrait of my future (on account of the fact that my wife is twenty times better than his, give or take).
Ollie and I step into The Century Club, a very posh gentlemen-only establishment (not to be confused with a gentleman’s club, in which strippers twirl around poles). The smell of cigars, leather, and cognac fills my nose. A young woman in a black dress offers to take our jackets, but we both decline. Looking past her, I see Chaz standing at the bar, talking up the female bartender, who looks thoroughly bored. Poor Chaz—charisma never was his strong suit. He spots me out of the corner of his eye and hurries to greet me. We exchange man-hugs, then have a couple of scotches at the bar whilst we wait for our table.
Once we’re seated and we’ve ordered the surf ‘n turf—a real man’s meal, as the server put it—I decide to approach the topic of marital relations. “So, Chaz, how’s married life?”
"Pretty decent, for a change of pace. Janica wants a mummy lift, so she has been extra nice to me lately, if you get my drift."
"Well, good for you." No, not good for him. He should leave the dragon lady as soon as possible and take the children with him.
"How are you managing?”
“Oh, great. Excellent. Couldn’t be better. Very excited. Thrilled to be having two babies instead of just the one. It’s really most...efficient.”
“Brilliant, really. Was that planned, then?”
“Christ, no. Total surprise.”
“And how is Tessa feeling?”
“She’s a real trooper, that one. Bearing all of it with grace and composure, as she does everything.”
“Sure, sure.”
“I do have one question for you, actually. As my closest friend and someone who’s been through this all before...”
“Happy to help however I can,” he says, signaling the server for another round of scotches.
“Thanks. You’re a true friend. So, um, it’s about the umm, marital relations bit, to be honest. I’m not complaining, mind you. I don’t want you to get me wrong. I’m very happy, indeed, overall...”
“Of course.”
“Yes, good. I’m just wondering if you know how long it usually takes before...that bit resumes again. Not that it matters in the least, mind you,” I say quickly. “I mean, poor Tessa’s going through so much that this whole sex thing is just more of an afterthought, really. Doesn’t make a bit of difference to me.”
“No, none, I’m sure,” he says, nodding. “Who needs it to be happy?”
“Exactly. We can busy ourselves with higher pursuits, certainly.”
“Of course,” he says.
We’re interrupted when our drinks arrive, along with a basket of warm rolls.
“Mmm. You simply must try one,” Chaz says. “These are the best sourdough rolls I’ve ever had.” He lifts the cloth napkin off the basket, and steam rises into the air.
We each take one, and it nearly burns my fingers as I break off a piece and butter it. “Yes, no, I’m not thinking about it for now, obviously.”
“What for now?” Chaz asks, stuffing a large bite of the bun in his mouth.
“Umm. Sex.”
“Oh, right, yes.”
“Poor girl’s been told she needs to go on a bit of a bed rest starting at week twenty-eight of her pregnancy to ensure she doesn’t go into labour too early, so I’m definitely not talking about now. Or anytime soon. Obviously, I feel quite bad for her. She’s going through so much, what with the hormones and how physically uncomfortable she is...”
“Oh, yes, it’s quite a lot that these poor women have to go through, isn’t it?”
