“I guess becauseIdidn’t feel worthy ofyou.” He sighs and looks away again, giving me his side profile and I study the edge of his jaw, noticing the beginning of his evening stubble. “I used to think the fact I’ve never had a proper relationship was because the men I met weren’t ready for it. That they just wanted me for sex. But I don’t think that was the case. I think, sub-consciously, I’ve been avoiding a relationship for a long time because of…” He clears his throat. “Because of my OCD.
I squeeze his leg again but keep silent, waiting for him to say more.
“I have kept it a secret from everyone,everyone, my whole life and then you picked up on it, and you did it in a way that was so unexpected it sort of took me by surprise. Not only because you did it in this gentle and non-judgemental way but also because you didn’t seem to want to runaway from me as soon as you knew. And that made me realise that that’s exactly what I’ve been afraid of and why I haven’t let people get close to me. I’ve always thought people would want to leave me if they knew, so I have made that an impossibility.”
“You’re not afraid that it will push me away?” I ask because I have to know.
“No,” he pins his eyes on me, “but I am terrified that you’ll make me get help for it.”
My laugh is brief but loud. “I only want you to get help for you. It’s clearly something that you’ve managed well enough on your own, but you don’t have to. You hinted at how tired it makes you. You called it debilitating in front of Tony. If it’s affecting your quality of life, that’s when I would encourage you to do something about it.”
He makes a soft humming sound. “Like you did with your fitness.”
It feels like a rose blooms in my chest, puffing it out. “I guess, yeah.” I bring my hand to the back of my neck and remember my hair isn’t tied up.
“I like your hair down,” Giles says, and he brings his fingers to the side of my face, combing through my hair. “I’ve wondered what you looked like with it down for a long time.”
“You say long time, but all of this, between us, it’s only been a little over a month.”
“I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.” His hands continue to snake through my hair. “I wish I had met you earlier. Or rather, I wish I’d gotten to know you better earlier.”
“Me too. But who knows how long we will live? This may not even be the middle we’re stuck in. Maybe we have fifty or sixty more years ahead of us.”
“Together?” His hand stills as it cups my cheek.
“Together,” I confirm.
He pulls my face to his and places his lips on mine. It has all the familiarity of our other kisses, but there’s something else there. Something new and hopeful and exciting. Giles tastes like a promise I know I will always keep.
We kiss slowly and deeply for many long minutes, sealing our fate together, but then a switch is flicked and I slide my hand up his thigh, and reach for the back of his head with my other palm, fixing him in place.
“Fuck, I want you,” I say against his mouth, my teeth grazing his lips.
“I’m right here,” he replies just as desperate. “I’m yours.”
I pull back. “But I said I’d bottom next time.”
He gives me a confused frown. “This isn’t a sex lesson.”
I blink. “No, you’re right, it’s not. Sorry.”
“Don’t apologise.” He smiles, making his moustache twitch. “Unless…. Do you want to bottom?”
“I don’t know. I like the idea of you fucking me. I like the idea of us… making love, like that.”
“Making love,” he repeats, the grin still on his lips. “If it’s what you want, I’ll happily make love to you like that.”
“I think I do want that,” I say. And I know I’m being honest because all I can think about is Giles naked on top of me, claiming me, giving me another first. Another moment I’ll remember forever.
And then the romantic fantasies evaporate like smoke. “But I haven’t prepped,” I admit. “I didn’t get a douche yet.”
“I have one you could borrow.” He winces. “I mean, not borrow. You can have it. You can keep it here whenever you want it.”
I squint at him confused. “Why can’t we share douches? I mean, if my dick is going up your arse and yours is going up mine? Genuine question.”
“I mean, I guess we could if we had both been tested and you were comfortable with it.”
“Ah, yes, tested,” I say and I feel like both mine and Giles’ bravery has paid off enough today, why not try and continue that trend. “Have you… were you tested recently?”
