“I knewI’d end up falling in love with you,” he tells me and punctuates it with a relieved sigh.
It takes all I have in me to not blurt out that I feel the same. That I’ve fallen in love with him too. That we can now live happily together forever. But I don’t. I owe him my patience and silence.
“And back then, I really didn’t want to do that. I knew you didn’t feel the same way and I love our friendship, the training sessions we do together. I didn’t want to threaten that. But I was stupid, and selfish, and I agreed to it anyway. I thought it may be the only way I could have you, like that. And I wanted you too much.”
It’s like the electric charge in my veins has just been increased and I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m literally vibrating with all the energy and joy I feel. My knee is bouncing wildly but I don’t try to stop it. Giles doesn’t even seem to be aware of it.
“I still want you.” His eyes seem to flash bluer and clearer than I’ve ever seen them. “But not just physically. I want youallways. Like I said, I’ve fallen in love with you, Marcello, but again, I’ve been too stupid, and too fucking scared, to tell you that.”
“Giles, I—” I reach for his hand but he moves his fingers away from me.
“I’m not finished,” he says and his voice wobbles slightly. “I want you to know that it’s okay if you don’t feel the same. I thought I’d be able to just ignore how I feel and continue to do the sex lessons and the gym sessions, but I don’t think I can. That’s why I went on that date with Tony. Because I wanted to force myself into sleeping with someone else and therefore breaking our exclusive agreement. But really, I should have just beenhonest that it’s too much for me to be with you intimately, while I feel what I feel. And I fear the gym is the same. Maybe one day in the future I will be over it and we can train together again but for now—”
I reach for his leg and squeeze his knee. “Giles,” I interrupt. “Shut up.”
“What?”
“Shut your beautiful mouth and let me speak.”
His throat works as he swallows. “Okay.”
“I…” I make sure I have his eyes before I hopefully claim his heart. “I feel the same. I’ve fallen in love with you too.”
He blinks at me and I feel his body tense under my hand which is still gripping his leg fiercely. “You have?”
“Very much so. Ridiculously so. Embarrassingly so.”
“But—”
“My turn to talk,” I interject. “I’ve been stupid too. Really fucking stupid.”
“More stupid than me?” His little laugh sounds brave.
“Oh, yeah. I made up a person.”
He frowns at me. “Who?”
“Mr Speedos,” I wince, “I mean, he exists. There’s a man at my swimming club who wears yellow Speedos but I don’t have a crush on him. Not at all.”
“Then… who…”
I dip my chin at him. “You, Giles, you.”
“I was your first queer crush? I was the reason you wanted to find out if you were bisexual?”
“You are the reason I discovered it about myself. Whether we had done the sex lessons or not, whether or not we ever kissed or touched, I still would have been bisexual. That’s a fact, you just helped me learn it about myself.”
His frown hasn’t completely disappeared. “Why didn’t you just tell me?” he asks in a quiet voice.
“Because…” I pause. I could reveal what I shared with Chloe and Radia, which is the truth. I could try and make him see just how amazing he is and how that’s intimidating, but I know now that’s not the whole story. “Because I didn’t think I was worthy of you.”
“Marcello,” he says and I’ve never heard my name sound so sweet and sad.
“But now I… I think I am. I mean, I know I’m not a perfect ten and I know I have some weird habits that I try to blame on my ADHD but also I suspect some of them are just who I am. But I’m a good guy, Giles. I work hard. I look after my mother. I treat my employees well. And my customers. And I’m trying to improve the quality of my life, and my health.” I squeeze my stomach but the handful I grab isn’t as thick as it usually is. For some strange reason I have no time to interrogate, that almost makes me feel a little sad. “I’m a good friend and even though I haven’t had a ton of experience at it, especially recently, I think I’d make a good boyfriend. I’d love it if you gave me a try, anyway. Like, I know that wasn’t the best pitch but I’m not always very good at bigging myself up. But I’d like to get better at it. I’d like—”
His finger comes to my lips as they still. “Time for you to shut your beautiful mouth and listen to me. You didn’t need to say any of that.” He beams at me, his eyes still very clear and bright. “There’s no doubt in my mind about you being worthy of me. Not a shred of doubt.”
“Then… why didn’t you tell me?”
