I know it’ll be a process.
It’ll probably stretch and hurt my brainandmy heart at times.
But I don’t like living my life with that constant feeling in the back of my head that if I make one wrong move in front of a tourist, I’ll go viral again for being that mom whose kid cried a cuss word when his ice cream fell off the cone. Or when a new friend is at my house and Yolko Ono pulls a Yolko Ono.
Not that I ever have new friends at my house.
Grey and Zen are the only two I’ve made since the wedding disaster, and they came fully vetted by Sabrina, who didn’t want to like them and actively tried to not let them into her life.
But the fact remains that since my wedding disaster, I’ve been more or less hiding.
Even when I’m out in Snaggletooth Creek, I’m cautious.
I keep secrets now. I trust less.
And I miss the version of me who believed in the best of everyone.
“No strings,” Jonas says quietly. “I wish I’d offered my resources to that friend I made back in Fiji. For her sake. Not mine.”
I look back at the sleeping little boy on the blanket beside me. His legs are spread wide, his shirt tugged up just enough for a sliver of his belly and his cute little outie belly button to show.
One day, he’ll have to know how to navigate the public eye too.
Whether he likes it or not.
He didn’t ask for us to be his parents. I owe him this.
No matter what ultimately happens between me and Jonas.
“When can Bash start?” I ask.
“Now.”
“Now? Oh my god. Is he behind?”
“No. Not behind.” He squeezes my hand again, stroking his thumb over my skin. “Just about the right age.”
I look out at the clouds floating over the lake. Think about all of the places I used to tell Chandler I wanted to go.
Look at this picture of the blue grotto in Capri. Isn’t that beautiful? We should go there.
We can’t afford a trip to Italy, Emma. And if you get knocked up right away, who’s gonna watch the kids? I’m not taking a kid to Europe. I hate people who bring kids on planes.
Oh, we can swim with dolphins in the Caribbean! And stingrays! We should take a cruise.
Cruises are nothing but floating germ boxes and you’d get seasick and puke.
Can you imagine being at the top of the Eiffel Tower?
It’s just a big tourist trap.
I’ve always wanted to see the Canadian Rockies.
You have our Rockies right there. That’s a dumb use of money to see the same thing you live with somewhere else.
And then I shed Chandler, but I took on another weight.
The weight of the world watching me.
