Cooper: Agree to disagree. Serious question – do you know anyone who specializes in breaking curses?
Baseball Cheater: Serious answer – there’s no such thing as a curse. Everyone has an off night. Especially when they don’t get enough sleep the night before.
Cooper: Lack of sleep is not the problem.
Baseball Cheater: I’m going to pretend you didn’t imply that sitting in a hotel room while a pop star puked her guts out was the problem.
Cooper: I was ABSOLUTELY NOT implying that.
Cooper: I had a nice time last night. You’re fun to hang out with.
Cooper: Clearly, I don’t mean I enjoyed that you weren’t feeling on top of the world. That part sucked. For you. Definitely sucked for you. And I didn’t enjoy it, but I like hanging with you no matter what we do. Or don’t do.
Cooper: Pretend I deleted and didn’t send that last message.
Cooper: Am I typing fast, or are you typing slow? Have I lost you? Did a miracle happen? Did the wifi die here? That would be best. Then I haven’t sent any of these messages.
Baseball Cheater: I think we should have a fling. (And yes, it took me that long to work up the courage to type that.)
Cooper: You have my full and undivided attention, and I should definitely not be sitting in a public place right now.
Baseball Cheater: We didn’t end our last fling the right way, so I think that, for closure, we should do it again, and then stay friends. I know you don’t settle down, and I don’t think I’m in a place to settle down either right now. As a friend pointed out, I’ve kept doing the next big thing for my career for so long that I haven’t stopped to think about what I want with my life. I schedule in days off but then spend them writing songs or obsessively reading articles about myself on gossip sites so I can figure out what not to do next time. I need to figure out who I am when I’m not working. So it’ll be no big deal when you move on and I move on, because I’m not relationship material right now either, but I never got to say goodbye, and as hard as this is to admit, I think it’s made me go for all the wrong guys since the last time I saw you. I didn’t want to hurt like that again. And instead, I hurt in entirely different ways.
Baseball Cheater: You’ve been silent way too long. It took me half an hour to type that out.
Cooper: *selfie in an elevator* Got stuck downstairs. Forty-three seconds, and I’m all yours. Call me maybe?
Baseball Cheater: Can’t. I’m on a conference call.
Cooper: With who?
Baseball Cheater: Potential endorsement deal.
Cooper: Isn’t that what you have people for?
Baseball Cheater: I like knowing what I’m endorsing.
Cooper: Me too. And my agent knows I’ll fire him if he signs me up for something dumb.
Baseball Cheater: This is important.
Cooper: More important than you having the life you literally just said you wanted rather than working all the time like five texts ago?
Baseball Cheater: I’m suddenly regretting opening up to you.
Cooper: No, you’re not. You’re regretting not telling them you have to go and hanging up and letting your team handle this so that you can go read that awesome Fiery fanfic. There’s a new episode up.
Baseball Cheater: No!
Cooper: There is. And it’s spectacular.
Baseball Cheater: In the train wreck kind of way? I read a bunch of the episodes after you mentioned them, and they’re all train wrecks, but also like the good kind of train wreck. I can’t look away. It’s like a train wreck of butterflies and cotton candy.
Cooper: LE GASP. Love on Fire is literally the best fanfic in the entire universe.
Baseball Cheater: You have no idea what a relief it is to know that you’re secretly in love with a dragon.
Cooper: And Zing! She gets me. Hang up. Call me. I need to hear your voice so I know this isn’t one of your well-meaning assistants pranking me.
