She makes a face.
And I realize she’s right. About everything.
So what am I going to do about it?
13
From the text messages of Cooper Rock and Baseball Cheater
Cooper:I would like to formally submit my resignation from the Ego Hall of Fame. I have been put in my place, with witnesses (aka you), and I can no longer pretend I know how to play baseball.
Baseball Cheater: You were literally robbed by a squirrel. Freak occurrence.
Cooper: And I struck out every at-bat.
Baseball Cheater: The pitcher was on fire. Who gets eighteen strike-outs in a single game?
Cooper: You were clearly his good luck charm.
Baseball Cheater: Are you sulking?
Cooper: *selfie of himself pouting in the Colorado visiting players’ lounge* No.
Baseball Cheater: Is that Diego behind you? I was so excited when he hit that home run last night.
Cooper: Our saving grace. He robbed that asshole of a perfect game.
Baseball Cheater: And you got to see Jarvis. Looked like he said something funny to you when you were up to bat that second time.
Cooper: Yeah, he made a joke about how it sucked to get traded away when we were finally winning, but he was taking solace in us getting our asses kicked.
Baseball Cheater: OMG. Please tell me you reminded him that the only reason it was him and not Lopez was because he was worth more and got the Fireballs a better utility man.
Cooper: Wait. WAIT.
Cooper: YOU’RE A FIREBALLS FAN. And not just a fan. YOU FOLLOW US. YOU OBSESS OVER US.
Baseball Cheater: When my team called to ask if there were any private suites available last-minute, Tripp Wilson found out, and he and Lila insisted I sit in their suite. You know owners. They talk a lot about business. They talked all about trades last night.
Cooper: YOU FOLLOW THIRTY-TWO INSTAGRAM ACCOUNTS AND THE FIREBALLS ARE ONE OF THEM.
Baseball Cheater: Is this all-caps texting really necessary?
Cooper: YES.
Cooper: Sorry. No. I yell when I’m excited. Not angry yell. Excited yell. Like, normal voice won’t do it when I’m this excited. I have to use excited voice. Shit. I’ll probably make some dumb typos now too. Anything I say that’s weird, blame autocorrect.
Cooper: How long have you followed the Fireballs?
Baseball Cheater: Tons of celebrities don’t control our own Instagram accounts.
Cooper: But you do.
Baseball Cheater: That’s a leap.
Cooper: I can do math. As I demonstrated last night.
Baseball Cheater: What you did last night was NOT math.
