She holds her hands up and shuts her eyes. “You’re right.”
For a split second, I think we’re getting somewhere.
“I don’t want to be here.” Her voice has a tinge of helplessness in it, but when she looks up, it’s with her flawless mask and impervious wall.
That knot in my stomach? It’s burning in a pool of acid now. But I can only watch as she walks past me, exchanges her shoes, and leaves.
CHAPTER 43
BRIE
I’mnumb as I walk back to Gia’s beneath the streetlights.
It was Tess’s idea to go bowling, part of her self-exploration now that she’s out of her ex’s clutches. I invited Dev and Sawyer because it sounded like fun at the time.
So what was the trigger? The thing that made it suddenly not such a good idea?
Fucking Bob Ross.
This afternoon, I was folding laundry with trashy TV in the background like normal. But then I glanced down. One eye peeked out at me. I yanked the garment out of the pile of clean clothes. Happy little Bobs everywhere.
Acid pooled in my stomach as I recalled Sawyer’s reply when I said Mara gave them to me.Think if I hint hard enough she’ll get some for me next Christmas?
It was so quick and casual, like he didn’t even think about it. Just assumed I’d still be here then. Assumed we’d still be together.
Christmas is seven months away. I’ll have a real job by then, at a different school. In a different town.
I swallow, picturing what that’ll looklike.
After I leave, I’ll keep in touch with Mara and Gia like I always have. Dev and I will text on occasion, but hopefully exchange more than memes. I’ll talk to Tess every once in a while. And next Christmas, I’ll FaceTime Lizzie as she opens the presents I send, as usual.
I blink tears away.
Blue Ridge is charming over the holidays. Even as a kid, I recognized the beauty in the holiday lights, decorated houses, the festive cheer.
But this way is better. I’m used to spending the holidays alone. It’s cozy.
It’ll be fine.
Better than fine because of how close I’ve gotten to everyone since coming back home.
Not home. Blue Ridge.
And that’s the crux of the problem. That’s what Sawyer doesn’t get. To him, Blue Ridge has always been, and will always be, home. He doesn’t mind the spotlight that follows wherever he goes. He doesn’t mind when people look his way. But I’m different. I can’t possibly stay here.
Right?
My heart lurches in my chest. Suddenly, the weight of my end-date in this town, the one that’s always been the light at the end of the tunnel, feels like it might be an oncoming train.
Even if I stuck around, even if I continued to ignore the job offers I’ve already gotten from schools hours away—one from two states away—there’s so much Sawyer can’t possibly understand about me. About my past here.
Because you haven’t told him. I physically flinch as that thought enters my brain.
Telling Sawyer about Christopher was a feat for me.
Revealing to Tess what Sawyer did to Squeakers was a breakthrough.
But I could never share with anyone, least of all Sawyer, how unhappy my childhood was, the things I had to keep hidden from the world to ensure Mara’s safety and mine. I can’t believe he would ever understand, not when he grew up the golden boy—theprince. Even if he had his trials, they weren’t the same as mine, didn’t threaten broader consequences. Back then, people averted their eyes, even as the spotlight followed me. If someone looked close enough, there’s a real chance Mara and I would have been removed from our house. Separated.
