Finally, he spoke, his voice gentle as I’d often heard it after lovemaking. “I…know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but you did.” He looked up from his knees to my eyes and, much as I wanted to, I didn’t look away. I needed to take it all in, because this had been my doing. “And if you really don’t feel that way about me, getting married would have been another lie. But I need time.”
Time forwhat?
But I wasn’t going to grill him about anything. I had no right to demand a thing from this man. So I just nodded, pursing my lips, letting him know I respected his wishes.
“I should probably go.”
When he stood, I knew it was the best move I could make. He followed me to the door and, as I opened it to step out into the hallway, he asked one small question. “Are you staying in the band?”
I told him the honest truth. “I don’t know.”
In mid-September,I was driving to Zack’s house, because he’d sent a group message to Braden, Cy, and me calling a band meeting. Although I’d decidedIwanted to stay in the band, the choice wasn’t up to me. If Braden wanted me gone, Iwould step away. Because I’d already hurt him once, I didn’t want to cause him any more pain, and I knew seeing me regularly could do that. Roxy and I had been talking once a week, and she knew I might ask her at some point for job leads.
But this—a meeting—had been the moment I’d been waiting for.
We’d gotten royalty checks in July, the most money we’d ever made, and I knew it would be stupid for Riot to stop making music. The question was if they’d be doing it without me.
Before saying yes to the meeting, I sent Braden a text message first, wanting to make sure he would be okay with me being in the band. And, although his response felt cool—not that I blamed him—he said I should stay.
At two that afternoon, I pulled up to Zack’s house, noting that Braden’s car was already there. So was Cy’s, but I didn’t know if he was still living with Zack or not. I’d been completely out of touch with them all and felt like I was in the dark.
But I also thought the last few months had been necessary. I’d found a therapist in Dalton and started having monthly meetings with her, grateful to have someone to sort out all my emotions with. And I’d also started journaling again, more than ever before. I’d also decided to find other creative outlets—in addition to drumming several days a week to keep my skills sharp, I started learning new techniques. I was also writing lyrics, and I bought a set of golf clubs and took lessons at the golf course in Dalton. And, to pay my mother back for everything she’d done for me throughout her life, I started regularly cooking our meals—and getting to know her boyfriend much better, because he spent a lot of time at our house to enjoy dinners with us…and to let me know just how serious they’d become.
Now, after getting out of the car, I headed to Zack’s front door, but when I heard voices coming from the doorway of the studio, I walked to the side of the house. The door was open, and I tried to gauge the mood before showing my face, but their voices were too low to figure it out.
So I walked in.
Immediately, they stopped talking, turning all eyes on me. I tried forcing a smile but it probably looked fake as hell. “Hey.”
“Come on in, Dani,” Zack said, pointing to an empty chair. I noticed that Zack had done some upgrading, adding more unusual equipment that would make Once Upon a Riot sound even better—of that I had no doubt. Zack had been a musical genius anyway, taking to the guitar like a trout to a river, but I knew that sober he’d be an even better businessman.
A sense of gratitude washed over me, having been welcomed back.
Braden, at least, didn’t look as sad as the last time I’d seen him. Although he didn’t smile back, I sensed that maybe, over time, we could become friends again—but I held no expectations. I knew forgiveness might be elusive or he might not ever find it and, for what I did, I couldn’t blame him.
“We’re just talking about the direction we want to take the band.”
When I reached the chair, I didn’t sit. Instead, I said, “Before that, do you mind if I say a word or two?”
Zack waved with an open palm, eyebrows raised, giving me the floor. Jesus…it just never got easier. “I’ll keep this short, but I just wanted to apologize for, um…leaving Braden at the altar. I’ve already apologized to him, but I know my actions have affected the band.”
Cy said, “You think?”
Ouch.
But I wasn’t going to bite back. “I…hope to regain your trust, but I know I have to earn it, and I’ll do my best to do that. Um…thank you for letting me stay.”
But Cy wasn’t done. “What you did was shitty, Dani. I mean, you hear about supposed runaway brides, but does that ever really happen? Who does that kind of shit?”
I looked at the floor, letting him give it. I had no defense and I also understood that my actions had affected everyone, not just Braden. I just hadn’t realized how angry Cy had been.
“She knows. She already said it.” Braden? Defending me when he owed me less than nothing?
Cy simply scowled. Was it because he’d said his piece or because he’d been silenced?
Regardless, Zack asked, “Did you want to say anything else, Dani?”
“No. Thanks.” And I sat down as Zack started to toss out some of the ideas he’d brainstormed over the last few months—but he wanted us all to decide on the direction of our next album.
