And, although our band now had visible scars, I knew it would just be a matter of time before we settled back in, ready to reap the rewards of years of effort.
After the meeting,Cy left to hang out with his girlfriend. Being out of the loop, I hadn’t known he’d been dating anyone. Braden, too, didn’t waste time going.
But I had been wanting to talk with Zack alone. I’d had a season to process my whole life, thanks to my therapist, and especially the past year…and I was ready to have a conversation with my best male friend.
“Can we talk?” I asked Zack as he pushed his chair back against the wall. “Uh…unless you have plans.”
“No plans,” he said, turning around and facing me. “We can head to the house. I need something to drink.”
As Zack locked up the studio, Cy left the house, having changed clothes, and got in his car, out of sight before we entered the front door. Soon, we were in the kitchen and Zack asked, “Want anything?”
He was filling a glass with tap water, so I told him to make it two. After we sat at the table at a diagonal from each other, I said, “You were right.” Wow. This was difficult…but it had to be said. “That I was living a lie.”
“I don’t think I saidthat.”
“Maybe not in those words, but you called me on not being honest. And you were right. And I’ve spent the last several months trying to be as honest as possible—not just with everyone around me but especially myself.”
“Sounds kind of like one of the twelve steps,” Zack said, picking up his glass.
“Really?”
“Close.”
I wondered if I should look over all the steps in an effort to be a better human being…but that would have to wait for another day. With a sigh, I decided to dip a toe in murkier water. “Back in April…you said you loved me from the first time we met.” Jesus, this was hard, admitting all the feelings I’d kept buried my entire life—but this was the new me. I had to do it. “I don’t know the exact moment, but I began thinking of you as more than a friend our freshman year too. And it hurt to feel constantly rejected.”
“I—”
“I know you said you didn’t feel like you were worthy of my love, but I didn’t know how you felt. Never. And it didn’treally matter. Even with the rejection, I kept loving you—through your relationship with Ava, after kissing you for the first time and you telling me the next day that it shouldn’t have happened. And then after losing my virginity, how you told me we couldn’t go there because you’d mess it all up. And even when we finally got together, you closed yourself off from me—so were we ever really together? Still, I kept loving you. And there was a time where I felt like I hated you…but I think it was because I always felt like I was in second place.”
Zack frowned. “I never…no. I was an asshole.”
“You were under the influence. But we tried. I feel like wereallytried—and I came to the same conclusion you did at the Sand Dunes: that we won’t work together. It’s like we’re two puzzle pieces that we keep trying to fit together but we don’t go in those spots. We’re forcing it.”
Zack’s frown deepened as he nodded his head—and there was something unspoken in his eyes. “Yeah.”
“You need to know you’re important to me, Zack. You are my best friend, and I don’t ever want to lose you.”
“You won’t. We’ve been through a lot together.Friends forever, like we used to say in high school.”
Nodding, I fought back tears, grateful that we’d made it over one hump—but I had more to say. “But I’ve realized something over the past few months and I’m just going to lay it all out there with no expectations. And if you say no, it’s fine. We will always and forever be friends.”
His eyes narrowed. “Yeah.”
“I don’t need you. I don’t need a man to be complete.” Sitting up, I reached across the table and touched his hand. “But if you love me, have always loved me, and I’ve always loved you, why can’t we try again? I don’t need you. Iwantyou. I want to try us one more time. I feel like maybe we’ve both grown up enough that we could…make it work.”
Zack’s eyes seemed to lighten as he tilted his head. “Seriously?”
Quickly, I nodded my head. “Yeah.”
Zack turned his hand over, cradling my smaller one in his. But he was quiet for a moment and I felt a sudden heaviness in my gut again as I prepared myself for the final rejection.It would be okay.I was ready this time.
I could do it.
Instead, Zack squeezed my hand. “I love you, Danielle Mankin. I always have. And I was a fucking childish idiot who didn’t have what it took to handle the emotions you elicited in me. I know I can now. And if you’ll really have me, I swear to you that I will never hurt you again or break your trust—if you mean it.”
“I do.” I licked my lips. “But can I admit something?”
“Yeah.”
