There was an imbalance in our relationship, one my bestfriend Roxy had called me on more than once. She’d known that, even though I loved Braden, it wasn’t something that would carry us through life, no matter how much I lied to myself.
As I approached Poncha Springs, my stomach growled, reminding me I hadn’t eaten at all that day. What little I’d tried had come back up. I hadn’t eaten much the night before, either, but now that I’d made a decision—as shitty as it was—my body was demanding sustenance.
Checking the fuel gauge on Roxy’s beautiful purple Charger, I decided to gas up first, pulling into a station on the roadside. From there, I spotted a sandwich place and, after removing the over-the-top earrings from my ears and pulling the pins out of my hair, I was seated, having placed an order. My hair was stiff and full from the hairspray, but at least it felt closer to normal, shielding my ears from the chill.
My phone had more text messages than I’d ever received before and I turned it over, not ready to face the music. Instead, I looked out the window and took it all in. Trees were just starting to bud, although the meadows were still covered in a light snow…and I thought to myself that this might be a nice place to live.
To disappear.
My phone buzzed again, taking me back over the events that had led me here. Something Zack had said jarred me awake—to realize that I’d been lying to myself far more than I’d ever admitted. I’d always believed that, with Braden, I could fake it till I made it, but that hadn’t been the case. And, while he’d always given of himself wholly and freely, I’d always held back.
But I’d told myself it would come with time…and, even though it hadn’t by our wedding date, I’d continued dismissing it. Even sleeping with Zack hadn’t brought me out ofmy stupor; instead, it was our conversation this morning, long after I was locked into my fate.
I’d started the morning feeling like a big fat fraud because I’d cheated on my fiancé—but that had only been the beginning.
“Here you go, hon,” the waitress said, delivering my sandwich and fries. “I’ll refill your tea.”
“Actually, I should probably skip the caffeine. I’m already jittery.”
“We have decaf.”
I nodded and then looked at the food in front of me. It appeared appetizing, but I was beginning to think trying to eat was a bad idea. As I picked up a solitary fry and nibbled on it, my mind took me back again.
After Zack had left my room with me on the verge of completely losing my shit, I checked myself in the mirror again—and, for the first time in probably my entire life, I looked at myself with clear eyes.
I had no business marrying Braden. I had been lying to both of us for the past two years—and he deserved someone who loved him much better than I ever could. I’d been a selfish spoiled brat, taking everything he gave and never giving back what he deserved…always holding back. This was the worst possible timing—I knew that—but I’d rather call off the wedding and break his heart now instead of later.
Would it have been better to try?
No. I knew that now, staring at myself in the beautiful gown that made me look far prettier than I was. My ugly insides spoiled it all.
I knew now that I would never love him the way he deserved. If I wasn’t feeling it now, it wouldn’t grow. And I didn’t ever want to break his heart—but I knew that waiting would be worse. If we’d married, he would believe our liveswere all set—and he’d buy the house and we’d have kids…and I’d still be a shell, waiting for…something.
What that was, I didn’t know, and I wondered if I ever had.
So, without another thought, I removed the veil, placing it on the table, and then kicked off the shoes. The dress, though…I’d needed help to get it on, because the back was corseted—and so I had to pull and tear while trying to reach behind to undo it.
It was messy…but, by the time I had it off, I felt better, and I left it in a heap in the middle of the floor.
Pulling off the thigh-high stockings, I stood in nothing but a pair of white lacy panties. I had physically bared myself but still felt so desperate and crazed, looking for elusive answers that weren’t coming.
Where the hell was my bag?
I spotted it tucked under the dressing table—and I pulled out the clothes I’d worn here: bra and a black Cinderella t-shirt, jeans, and black Converse. Then I snatched my phone up off the table and tucked it into the back pocket of my jeans. Once dressed, I caught sight of myself in the mirror again. Jesus. I looked ridiculous. My hair, still piled on the back of my head in an elegant updo, along with the dangly diamond earrings, didn’t match the rest of myself.
But no matter. I had to get the fuck out of here.
First, though…Braden deserved an explanation. Rifling through my bag, I found my journal and pen and ripped out a page at the back…and scrawled a note to Braden. I could have sent him a text message—but then he’d know immediately, and I needed to get away from people. I needed silence and solitude so I could think.
And I didn’t want to be talked out of the first rational decision I’d made in eons.
Quickly, I scribbled a short message on the page, telling my now ex-fiancé the whole truth.
Braden,
I’msorry to do this to you, but I realized this morning that marrying you wouldn’t be fair to you. You deserve a wife who loves you with everything in her…and I don’t. I do love you enough to know that you deserve someone better than me.
D
