“He’s probably forgotten I even exist,” I told her sadly as a tear escaped and ran down my cheek. I might’ve said the words out loud, the words I feared the most in the world, but one thing was for sure, even if Jake had forgotten about me, I certainly hadn’t forgotten about him. At this point, I wasn’t even sure it was possible.
“Jake’s not like that, and you know it,” Mom replied with a shake of her head, and I hated that she was right.
“I’m going to go have a shower,” I mumbled, heading down the hall.
“You can’t run away from this, Kellie,” she called out behind me.
“Wanna bet,” I muttered, shutting the bathroom door and flicking the lock, keeping Mom’s news and her opinions far away from me.
Standing under the spray, I felt the tears fall. Part of me always knew this day would come, but that didn’t stop me from praying I’d be able to avoid it somehow.
Jake and I had it all planned out—our whole future. We were going to build a house on his family's ranch, have a handful of kids, and get our happily ever after. Then one day, everything changed. Jake changed the goalposts, and the next thing I knew, he threw his duffle bag in the back of his truck, kissed me goodbye, and hightailed it out of Texas, leaving me sitting in the dust nursing a broken heart and pregnant with his baby.
It took me almost a month to work up the courage to take the pregnancy test I’d hidden in my bedroom. I already knew what would happen the moment I did, and I wasn’t ready. As much as I didn’t want to be a mom, and as much as I wasn’t ready, carrying Jake’s baby was bittersweet. I’d always have a piece of him with me which was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because he’d forever be in my world, but at the same time, I’d never be able to move on and find the closure I needed to be able to breathe again.
The same day I took the test was the day I packed my bags, left, and ran away from my embarrassment. When the two pink lines appeared on the stick, I knew I couldn’t be this girl—the one still living with her mom, raising her baby. No. If I was going to do this, and there was never even the thought that I wouldn’t, I was going to do this on my own. So, I’d done what Jake had done—packed my shit and hightailed it out of Texas.
When I arrived at the airport, I was terrified. I had no plans and no idea where I was headed. The only thing I did know was that I wasn’t going to California. I wasn’t going to chase Jake and beg him to love me, love us enough not to leave. As much as I’d dreamed of doing this with him, I wasn’t going to be that girl who followed a man across the country and pleaded for him to love me. I was a big girl, and I could do this. So, I’d walked up to the counter and booked myself a seat on the next flight out in the opposite direction. Three hours later, I was surrounded by people who looked like they had their shit figured out at O’Hare Airport in Chicago.
Reliving the hurt and all my mistakes wasn’t easy. By the time I stepped out of the shower and wrapped my threadbare pink towel around me, I was exhausted. Taking a trip down memory lane was draining, especially when your life was littered with missteps.
Wiping the condensation from the mirror, I stared at the woman looking back at me. She had gray hairs at her temples, black bags under her eyes that seemed permanent, and red-rimmed eyes. I dragged my comb through my wet locks and pulled them back in a messy braid before shrugging on my bathrobe. Hiding away in the bathroom feeling sorry for myself wasn’t going to help, so when I heard giggling on the other side of the door, I was forced back to reality. Coming home hadn’t been the mistake I’d been dreading.
“You’re not supposed to be awake yet,” I heard Mom coo at my daughter and couldn’t help but smile.
Coming home had been hard, possibly the hardest thing I’d ever done, but it’d been the right decision. As much as I wanted to do it on my own, be the kick-ass single mother, having help was the right thing to do for Cassie. And that’s what life as a mom was—putting your needs, fears, and ideas aside and doing what was best for your kids each and every time. And while I may have gotten my shit together and given Cass a roof over her head, food in her belly, and surrounded her with love, there was one thing she was still missing. A dad. And now he was back in town, and I had no idea what I was supposed to do.
Jake didn’t know about Cassandra. So many times, I wanted to tell him. I wanted to call and let him know he was going to be a daddy. Then by the time Cass was born, my life had been so spectacularly upended I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going. Hanging on was probably the only way to describe it. I made ends meet, barely, but I was alone and afraid. I’d buried my murdered sister. The sperm donor who called himself my father had stuck his head out from the hole he’d been living in to come after her money, and Mom was busy trying to keep it together. So, I stayed away. And I stayed silent. I’d struggled through my pregnancy alone. Some days the morning sickness had been so debilitating, and all I could manage was to lay on the cold tiles in the bathroom, wishing it would all end. I’d stare at my phone through watery eyes wishing and praying Jake would call. That he’d message and just check in, but it stayed silent. Even when Cassidy died, I thought he’d call. He’d known her before her stardom rose and she became country music’s sweetheart, but nothing. Not a word from the boy I’d always known who grew into the man I loved more than life itself. He left me pregnant, brokenhearted, and never looked back.
Stepping out of the bathroom, I ducked into my room and dressed quickly, trying not to take advantage of Mom. If Cass was awake, then she probably needed a diaper change and would be hungry, and while Mom never flinched to step in, it wasn’t her job. It was mine. I’d already invaded Mom’s life enough when we moved back in. I wasn’t about to treat her like she was the babysitter too.
Pulling on a pair of yoga pants and a T-shirt that’d seen better days, I hurried down the hall to find them sitting in the living room chatting animatedly. Well, Mom was talking, Cass was just waving her arms about wildly and kicking her legs, a wide smile stretched across her face.
“Someone’s not supposed to be awake yet,” I said in the way of an apology as I headed over to where they were sitting.
“Well, I don’t think little miss got the message. Did you, pretty girl?” Mom asked before pressing her lips to Cass’s head.
“Did you want me to take her?” I offered, holding my arms out.
“She’s fine,” Mom replied, looking up at me with a look on her face that said she had something on her mind.
“What?” I snapped more harshly than I intended.
“Nothing.”
“Nuh-uh. That’s your I’ve-got-something-to-say face. So, spit out whatever it is.”
“I was just going to ask if you were feeling better after your shower,” Mom said calmly, ignoring my teenage tantrum.
“Not really.”
“Kellie, you’re a great mom. Everyone can see that, but you’re going to have to tell him.”
“What if he takes her from me?”
“He won’t.”
“You don’t know that.”
