“Thanks.”
“You really want to know?”
“Yeah. I mean, I know your parents are assholes and they said some pretty shitty things to you, but you have to know that’s them, not you. You’re not the slut you seem to think you are.” She winced at the word and I found myself wishing I had a filter sometimes.
“It’s more than that.”
“Tell me.”
“Nate…”
“Please,” I hastily added.
“If I do, are you going to tell me? Why should I spill my guts unless you’re going to do the same?”
Fuck it! She was like a dog with a bone. There was no way she was letting this go. Before I had the chance to change my mind I found myself nodding in agreement. “Fine.”
“I don’t hate my parents. I hate them for not knowing Matilda. She’s a great kid and she’s missing out on having grandparents all because they can’t get past this. She deserves better. But luckily she has Derek and Mia, who love her like she was their own…”
“And an amazing mother.” I hadn’t planned on interrupting her, but she seemed like she needed reminding that she was doing an incredible job. Sure, I’d only seen Matilda a handful of times, but I’d seen hundreds of kids, and I could spot the ones who weren’t getting the love and attention they craved. With Josie as her mother, Matilda thankfully would never be one of them.
“Thanks. I try, you know, but it’s just me. I can’t give her everything she needs, and it’s only going to get harder. I mean, she’s happy now, but I’m just a part-time bartender. What sort of life can I provide for her? Really. And once she goes to school I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to be the type of parent who sends their kids to school all day, then go to work all night at some seedy bar. I want more than that. More for her. I’m all she’s got and she’s missing out.”
I noticed the fat tear that rolled down her cheek. Before I could stop myself, I was out of the chair and beside her, settling her into my lap. As soon as I did, regret flooded me. It felt like she was exactly where she belonged. Her shoulders trembled against me as she struggled to contain her emotions…a battle she was quickly losing.
“Keep going,” I whispered against her temple before placing a soft kiss there.
“Isn’t that enough? That I’m failing my daughter.” Josie hiccupped and my heart shattered for her. It was obvious she believed it.
“You’re not, and we will come back to it, but right now I feel like there’s something more you need to get off your chest. So keep going.”
“There’s no more.”
“Don’t lie, Jos. I can see it in your eyes. Tell me. What’s got you so scared? I’ve got you, pretty girl, I’m not going to let you fall.”
At my words, Josie buried her head in the crook of my neck and let go. Within seconds my shirt was damp from her tears and she shook violently. All I could do was sit there, hold on, and rub her back. Something was hurting her, something she needed to get out. Let go of. And I’d sit here like this all damned night if that’s what it took. Right now, with her in my arms, I doubted there was anything I wouldn’t do to help her.
After a while, her breathing evened out and she pulled back. Her cheeks were rosy and her eyes glassy, yet I couldn’t remember ever seeing someone so beautiful. She was so vulnerable in my arms, and even though I felt her try to wriggle from my lap, I held firm. She wasn’t going anywhere. Not this moment. Not tonight. Maybe not ever.
“Talk to me. Tell me the rest,” I encouraged.
“You’ll think I’m a basketcase.”
“Sweetheart, pretty sure I’m the one who should be worried about being embarrassed. Remember all the crying and vomiting? Yep, that was me. I’ll let you know when you catch up.” I tried to keep it light, make her smile. I wanted nothing more than to see her beautiful, carefree smile again. A pained smirk was as much as I got. But I took it. Anything was better than nothing.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she exhaled, her babbling began again. “I’m a mess. I can’t give my daughter a future. And I have to do it all alone. No one’s ever going to want me, I’m a failure. I couldn’t even figure out what I wanted to do, so I have no skills, now I’m too old. I can’t lose this damn baby weight and my boobs won’t shrink. Matilda’s father won’t acknowledge her existence. And I know he’s missing out, but so’s she. She deserves the best and that’s not me. Who’s going to want an uneducated, fat single mother who can’t even get her shit together enough to move out of her sister’s house?”
Wow! I know I’d asked, I just never thought that’s what I’d get. Clearly this woman was delusional. She wasn’t a failure. Sure, she had her fair share of challenges, but she was still here and doing a phenomenal job. I couldn’t believe she couldn’t see that. It pissed me off. Her parents must have done a real number on her convincing her that she was nothing.
“Josie…”
“You don’t have to say anything, Nate. Really. I just…you asked and I had to tell you the truth. For some reason, I believe you won’t judge me for it. I’m not entirely sure why, I just know I don’t…”
The woman wouldn’t shut up. She was rambling and squirming, trying to get out of my arms. Not. Fucking. Happening. I did the only thing I could think of to pull herself out of her own head. Slamming down my lips over hers, it took a moment, but I felt her deflate in my arms. The fight evaporating out of her. Then she was kissing me back, tugging on my hair, and pressing herself against me. As much as it pained me to end it, I knew now was not the time. There would definitely be a time, but now was not it. Not when so many emotions were so raw.
“My son, Samuel, he’s with my wife.”
