Chapter 22
Nate
It felt so fucking good to say it out loud. My son. I don’t know the last time I’d been able to. Not once since I’d moved here, that’s for sure. And not for a long time before that. It just hurt too much. Just because I didn’t talk about Samuel, it didn’t mean I didn’t think about him. I thought about him every fucking second of every fucking day. Wishing he was here beside me. Wishing I got to hear him call me Dad for the first time. Knowing me, I would have bawled my eyes out as the word toppled off his tongue. Wishing I could watch him take his first steps, undoubtedly on shaky legs. I missed everything. And I fucking hated it.
I knew today was going to be hard. But there was no way I could have prepared myself for it to be this hard. This was another level of hell. I don’t know who I pissed off or how, all I knew was I wished I could undo it all.
Sighing heavily, I opened my eyes, expecting to see judgment on Josie’s face. Fuck, I deserved it. I’d been a complete ass to her and she had no idea why. She didn’t deserve it. I wouldn’t blame her if she wanted to kick my ass. I wanted to kick my ass. Thankfully, I was sitting down when my eyes found hers. They were devoid of judgment but instead filled with what I could only imagine was sadness. It made sense really. She had a kid. She got it. Yet at the same time she had no clue. None whatsoever. And I hoped to God she never did.
“What was his name?”
It was a simple question. A simple fucking question. One I couldn’t answer. Suddenly everything was wrong. There wasn’t enough air. My collar was too tight. I couldn’t breathe. My chest felt like it was burning. I was gasping for air. Opening the car door, I tried to throw myself from the tiny, suffocating enclosed space. Something was restraining me. I couldn’t break free.
“Nate! Nate!” I could hear the echo of my name but I couldn’t place it. It was too far away. Sweat was gathering on my forehead, yet at the same time I was covered in goose pimples. This whole thing felt way too familiar. I’d been here before.
My stomach turned over and the bitter tasting bile scorched my throat as I forced it back down. This time. I was sure I wouldn’t be so lucky next time. Next time it would erupt and nothing I could do would stop it.
“Nate!” Fingers grabbed my face and held it steady.
Closing my eyes, I breathed in through my nose and held it before letting it go. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. Each beat hurt. It was all too much. Too fucking much.
“Let me go!” I screamed, tugging furiously at my restraints.
Whack!
My whole left cheek felt like it was going to explode. Shaking it off, I could still feel the sting. When I managed to get my shit together, well, as good as I could in this moment, I saw Josie looking back at me, horrified.
“I’m sorry, Nate. I’m so sorry.” I had no idea what she was apologizing for, but she looked like she was about to cry. I didn’t want that. I was hurting enough, there was no need for her to be suffering too.
Seeing her like that calmed me down instantly. I don’t know why, and I don’t know how, maybe it was because my focus was on Josie rather than my own pity party, but I hated it. What was worse, if it could get even worse, I could only assume it was my own fault. I was responsible. It had to be. Just another perfect thing I fucked up. Another person who’d suffered because of me. Fuck, I was an asshole.
Unbuckling my seatbelt, I yanked her into my lap and crushed her against me. It felt so good. She was warm and soft and smelt like heaven. We sat there, curled against one another, using each other. I wasn’t stupid enough to imagine it was anything more than comfort she was offering, and right now, sitting in her car in the dark, I doubted I could offer her anything more. A hug though, that I could do.
Her phone beeped and disrupted the moment. It was enough for me to burp. Right in her face. I’m surprised she didn’t slap me. Again. She should have. I would have if I were her. I didn’t have a chance to worry about it, though. The stench that wafted from my mouth, a disgusting combination of bourbon and greasy fries, filled the cabin, and it was enough to push me over the edge. Tossing Josie from my lap roughly, I sprang from the car, landing on my hands and knees, where I emptied my stomach into the bushes.
I don’t know how long I was crouched there. All I knew was by the time I found my feet, with the help of Josie, I felt lightheaded and gross. I wanted a shower. I needed one. Like now.
Before I had the chance to wobble my way to the door, Josie was there guiding me. This woman was a fucking saint. Or a sucker for punishment. I hadn’t quite decided which yet. Taking the keys from my hand, she opened the door, flicked on the light, and led me straight towards the bathroom. The moment we stepped inside, I knew Josie regretted it. I could feel her whole body stiffen beneath my grasp. I wanted to make it better, take away her unease, but that would have to wait until tomorrow. That was future Nate’s problem. Right now, this Nate needed a shower.
We made it to the bathroom and Josie froze at the door. “You going to be okay in there by yourself?”
“Yeah.”
I didn’t mean to lie, I just hated seeing the unease on her face.
“Okay.”
“You going now?”
I didn’t want her to. In fact, that was the last thing I wanted. I couldn’t ask her to stay. I had no place to do that. She wasn’t mine. She didn’t owe me anything. It didn’t mean I didn’t want her to, though.
Indecision flickered in her eyes. Even through my drunken haze, I caught it. “Um…I was going to wait just until you’re out. If that’s okay.”
I don’t know what made me do it. It was like I couldn’t stop myself. I leant forward and kissed her cheek. I wanted to do more, but I’d just spent the better part of ten minutes in the dirt vomiting violently. “Stay, Josie.”
Shocked. The only word to describe it. Completely and utterly shocked.
I don’t think she trusted herself to speak. Instead she nodded mutely and stepped back. “I’ll be out here if you need anything. Don’t lock the door.”
