“I do now. At the time I was more worried that she’d hate me.”
“I’d never hate you, Josie. Never!” Mia stepped out onto the patio and wrapped her tiny arms around my neck, kissing me on the forehead.
“Love you.”
“You too, Josie girl. Always.”
I watched as Mia moved away and settled herself in Derek’s lap, tucking her head against his neck. It was painful to watch. I was sitting over there all alone on the opposite side of the table, but I could have been a million miles away and I’d still be blinded by the love these two had for each other. Envy was a powerful, pointless emotion, one I battled daily.
“Did you tell him?”
“Yeah. I was so scared I didn’t know what to do. I called him a couple of times and he wouldn’t answer, but I needed to get in touch with him. I showed up where he worked. I didn’t want to cause a scene, I just needed to talk to him for a minute. But he was with someone else. Had some redhead crawling all over him. Made me want to throw up or punch him or something.”
“Asshole!”
“It wasn’t his fault…” I don’t know why I defended him, but I couldn’t stop myself. We weren’t anything serious and we’d made no promises to each other. “Anyway, he saw me standing there and got really angry. I mean, his face went red, and his eyes were so narrow I wondered how he could even see. He set the redhead down and stalked towards me. If he wanted to intimidate me, he did a bloody good job.”
Fuck, I needed a drink. Desperately. I’d never wanted to tell this story. I hoped I’d never have to. Thankfully, Mum and Dad had never asked. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to see the disappointment in their eyes and know I was responsible for putting it there.
“He didn’t hurt you, did he, Josie?”
I saw the pain flick over Derek’s face. I knew in that moment that even if he had, even if he’d beat the living crap out of me, I’d never tell Derek. He had enough drama in his life. He didn’t need a broken sister-in-law to deal with as well.
“No. Not in the way you’re thinking.”
“Josie…” Mia went to move towards me, but Derek held her where she sat. I was grateful for that. Even without me telling him, he understood. Had Mia touched me in this moment I would have shattered and broken down.
I gulped down the nerves and humiliation of what I was about to say. “I asked to speak with him privately and he laughed in my face. I told him I just needed a minute and he said I’d already wasted thirty seconds of it. I could barely recognise the guy I’d been to bed with. That guy was gone and he’d been replaced with this…this asshole. I told him I was pregnant. I just spat out the words. I didn’t even try to sugar coat it. And he laughed in my face.”
“He did not!” Mia gasped in horror.
“Yeah, Mia, he did. Then when he finished laughing, he asked how a slut like me could even know who the father was. He was the only guy, the only one in a long time…I’m not—”
“We know you’re not, Josie. You never would be. And we would never want that. So get those worries out of your pretty little head.” Derek was so adamant I couldn’t imagine disappointing him.
“He stuffed two hundred dollars in my hand and said, ‘Well, if it is mine, take care of it.’ Then he turned around and walked away from me like it had never happened.”
“Fuck, Josie! You should have told me! I could have been there. I should have been there…” Mia had tears streaming down her face and I was surprised to find I didn’t. I wasn’t sad or even angry anymore. I’d lived another life since then. It didn’t matter how many times I’d rerun the scenario in my head or how many times I wished it had gone differently, it is what it is. Matilda was all mine because of it.
“Obviously you didn’t do it.”
“I was going to.” Mia’s and Derek’s mouths both fell open and I swear I heard them hit the deck.
“Josie…”
“Don’t, Mia. Just…don’t. Please. I know I’m a monster for even considering, but put yourself in my place for a minute. I was all alone. Pregnant. And I had no idea what to do. I made the appointment with the clinic and I went. But when I got there, I just couldn’t go through with it. I don’t know what stopped me and made me change my mind, but I’m thankful I did. If not Matilda wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be here.”
“Are you going to tell me his name?” Derek snarled through gritted teeth.
“It doesn’t matter. Not anymore. Matilda is a good kid…when she’s asleep.” I laughed forcefully, trying to lighten the mood. “He didn’t want her and I did. She’s here, she’s happy, and she has the best Aunty and Uncle a kid could dream of.”
Before I knew what was happening, I was sandwiched between Mia and Derek and they were both looking at me with sad eyes and broken smiles. “And she always will.”
“Josie? Josie? You all right there? You seemed a million miles away,” Zoe’s voice filled with concern.
“Probably still dreaming about Nate’s body,” Mia added.
I sighed. Not at the thought of Nate’s body, although that was definitely sigh worthy, but that Mia had managed to lighten the situation without even really trying.
