Chapter 38
Mia
I looked over at him, his large frame folded in a small chair. He had to be uncomfortable. He looked uncomfortable. I was hoping it was just the chair, but I suspected it had more to do with the conversation than anything else.
“You want me to move here and live with you?”
“Yes.”
“And do what?”
“Whatever you want.”
“For how long?”
“Forever.” The word came quick. Startling. If I hadn’t been sitting I was sure I’d be knocked on my ass. He wasn’t holding anything back. Not that I expected him too. That wasn’t Derek.
“That’s a long time.”
“Yes, it is.”
It was like there was an elephant in the room and we were dancing around it. It was a game of chess…neither keen to make the first move so as not to hurt the other. It was my turn, though. Josie’s words filtered through me and I knew this was my chance. I needed to step up and take it. If I hurt him now, if he couldn’t look at me like I needed him to, at least we could move on before we got in too deep. Or in my case, any deeper.
“And you want to build a life with me.” He nodded. “A family?” Again, a nod. Sitting up as straight as I could, I prepared myself for what was about to come. It’s why I’d spent so long under the pounding, scalding water. I needed the time to give myself a pep talk. “Derek, I can’t give you that.”
He looked taken back. “Huh? I don’t get it. What can’t you give me?”
“I can’t give you the family you want.” The words caught in my mouth. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to burst into tears. I wanted to curl up in a ball and pull the covers over my head and hide until this all went away. I couldn’t. He was waiting for an answer. He deserved one. I needed to give it to him. “I…I can’t have children.”
Even though I’d known for years, saying the words out loud shattered my heart all over again as if it was the first time. It sucked. I was barely an adult and already the choice had been taken away from me. I couldn’t look at Derek. I didn’t want to see pity there. If I did, I knew it would destroy me and I’d never recover.
I felt his arms around me moments before I was lifted into his lap. Quietly he kissed my forehead and held me close. For a long time we didn’t speak. Inside I was freaking out. I wanted to know why he wasn’t saying anything. I wanted to demand he did. Plead that he’d say something, but that would mean I’d have to speak first. And I wasn’t ready to do that.
“Tell me the rest.”
“The rest?”
“Everything, Mia. Tell me. Please.”
He was doing everything right. I knew he would. I should never have doubted him. Sighing heavily, I let my whole body relax and sink against his warmth. “I’ve known for a few years now…”
“It doesn’t make it any easier, no matter how long you’ve known, Tinkerbell.” With his thumb he wiped away the tears while he continued to hold me.
“I was nineteen when it happened. I’d moved out of my parents’ house and into an apartment. I was wild. Well, at least my parents thought I was. I didn’t see it, but at nineteen I can’t imagine anyone does. I was going to university doing my teaching degree. I wanted to be a primary school teacher. Anyway, one night I had a late lecture and caught the tram back to my place. Phillip was my high school boyfriend. We’d been together forever. I don’t know if I loved him because I thought it was what was expected of me, or if I loved him because it was all I knew. We didn’t live together, I wasn’t ready for that, but he had a key to my place and I had one to his. Mostly we hung out at my place, ’cause his roommate Bryan gave me the creeps. He was one of those guys who when he looked at you, made your skin crawl. Anyway, I was supposed to work that night, but because the lecture ran late, I couldn’t go. I called in and told them, and they were cool with it. I was a waitress at a cosy Italian place in one of the laneways down in the centre of Melbourne. A real Mum and Dad place, and they knew what Uni was like and were very accommodating.”
“Sounds like they were great people.”
His simple statement sent my heart soaring. He was listening. And not just surface listening like guys were renowned for, but he was taking in details and paying attention to the little things. It shouldn’t have shocked me. He was a cop deep down inside, after all.
“They were. So anyway, I went straight home. I heard noise on the other side and didn’t think much of it, but when I pushed open the door I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.”
“That bastard better not have had a woman in your place.”
I laughed. I actually laughed. I guess it was a natural reaction to the whole thing. That’s what you’d expect, isn’t it? Go home unexpectedly and your boyfriend of three years have some bimbo pinned underneath him in your bed screaming his name. “Not quite.”
“Well?”
“Phillip was on his knees.”
