“If you’re serious?”
“I am.”
“I’d love to. Just tell me when and where and I’ll be there!”
I swear Zoe was bouncing where she stood. She didn’t give me a chance to respond or move before she tugged me into a tight hug, almost cutting off my oxygen.
“Thanks, Mia! Can’t wait!” she squeaked. Happiness radiated off her and I couldn’t help but feel a little better about everything. The old adage was true. Making someone else smile lightened your heart. It’s exactly what happened. I shook my head as I watched her skip out the door. I waited ’til the moment she was gone before I dropped down on the bench and toed off my shoes.
Resting my head in my hands, I realized how devastated I was. I hated that I was. I hated that I didn’t understand it. More than anything, I hated that I’d opened myself up only to end up broken. Again. Even if Derek didn’t know it, and my secret hope was that he never would, I was devastated. I don’t even know if he knew how much his words had hurt me earlier. I felt like a coward for running, but in the moment, I couldn’t see any other option. I needed space to fall apart. He didn’t need to be a witness to my pathetic emotions. He was doing this because it was his dream. I couldn’t stand in the way of that. I wouldn’t. It didn’t mean though, I had to like it. Not even for a second.
Wiping away a stray tear, I found I hated myself more than I ever had before. I hated being weak. It pissed me off. I hated that I cared. About Derek. About a future. About anything, really. It was so much easier, so much safer living in a bubble and not giving a shit about any of it.
As my luck would have it, the bubble burst. All the feelings and emotions I’d buried long ago, the ones I promised myself were locked away, never to be seen again, they were back haunting me. Bastards. Caring sucked. Somehow in a few short weeks I started caring again. I wanted to scream. There was something about Derek and Zoe, I couldn’t help it.
Forty-five minutes later and I was covered in a slick layer of sweat and panting. Hard. I’d been trying to out run my thoughts. It’d worked for a while. Right up until the moment I stopped running. My wobbly legs were barely keeping me upright. As quick as possible, I grabbed my stuff and headed home. I was tired and cranky and aching. And I needed food. I was bordering on hangry.
Hours turned into days. Days turned into weeks. Zoe and I still met for coffee every week. She’d taken over the admin in the gym and I could barely remember how I’d coped without her. There was something still going on with Josie, and if I could have gotten my hands around her scrawny neck I would have strangled her. She’d dodged every single one of my million attempts to get together. Sure, we still talked all the time and we messaged on Facebook or via text, but I hadn’t seen her. She’d even stopped coming to Mum and Dad’s. I spent countless hours wondering what I’d done wrong. Trying to put my finger on it, I just kept drawing a blank. Somewhere around my eighty-seventh message I’d stopped asking. It hurt like hell, but there wasn’t much I could do.
Then there was Derek. It was no secret I’d freaked and run like my ass was on fire. For some reason he hadn’t held it against me, but it changed everything. There’d been no more romantic dates. Even our once flirty text messages had cooled. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed, yet I had no idea what to do. We’d fallen into a safe, comfortable friendship and while I loved it, I hated it. The days he came to pick Zoe up were the worst. He’d offer me this sad, bullshit half smile that didn’t reach his eyes before spouting meaningless pleasantries. He’d say hi, ask about my day, and then disappear again. I’d head home, slip into my pyjamas, then throw his leather jacket over it all. I should have given it back, I knew that?but for some ridiculous reason I didn’t understand I couldn’t bring myself to return it. It had stopped smelling like Derek long ago. It didn’t matter. I wore it anyway.
“Hey Mia?” Zoe called out as I headed out for the day.
After teaching two self-defence classes and a yoga class, I’d exhausted myself on the elliptical. I was still amazed at how different my life was these days. Since Zoe had taken on all the crappy jobs around the gym, computerizing the memberships, dealing with the suppliers, and paying the invoices, I got to do the fun stuff again. The stuff I enjoyed. The whole reason I started this place. I wanted to teach other women how to defend themselves. To give them a sense of security and belief that they could protect themselves. I wanted to make sure no one ever had to go through what I did again. It felt fucking fantastic.
“Yep.”
“Since it’s your weekend off…”
“How did you know?”
“Well duh, I do the rosters, remember?”
“Oh yeah.”
“Anyway, what are your plans?”
“Nothing exciting. Why’s that?”
Zoe looked nervous. I could tell she wanted to say something, but didn’t have the courage. Even though Zoe and I were somewhat friends now and I watched her come out of her self-imposed shell, sometimes when she didn’t think anyone was looking I caught a glimpse of the same terrified girl who’d been dragged kicking and screaming through my door months earlier.
I watched as she swallowed heavily and squared her shoulders, fortifying herself. “Did you want to come over? We can grab some take out and ice cream and a couple of those cheesy chick flicks and just hang.”
“Zoe…” I heard my voice crack.
Before I had a chance to add anything, Zoe waved away my objection with the flick of her wrist. “Derek’s gone for the week. So, don’t say no just because you’re avoiding him.”
“I wasn’t…”
“Bullshit!”
“I didn’t…”
“I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you two, but your circling each other is driving me insane.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Mia, I know you’re my boss, but seriously! I don’t know what happened. What you want to happen. Or even what didn’t happen. And honestly it doesn’t even matter anymore. Neither of you ask about the other, but at the mention of Derek’s name, you perk right up.”
