Chapter 33
ZOE
Thursday night was the worst night sleep I’d ever had. Ever.
I barely slept.
I woke up in a cold sweat. More than once.
Every sound, every breath of wind, every rev of a car engine, I heard.
I didn’t want to admit it, and I could never say it out loud, but I wished Spencer was still lying beside me. The nights wrapped in his arms seemed like a lifetime ago.
I watched the sun rise as I blew the steam from my coffee. I couldn’t risk a look in the mirror. I already knew I had a rats’ nest on my head and the bags under my eyes were so heavy they felt like overstuffed suitcases.
Four days of work had almost killed me. It had been boring and monotonous and more than a little exhausting. Sitting in an uncomfortable chair, trying to refrain from taking the pain killers. I hated that they made me more than a little loopy and left me feeling completely spent by three each afternoon. It seemed that no amount of coffee or chocolate could provide the energy just to get me to the end of the day.
Spencer had texted me yesterday letting me know he’d made it home safely. He’d been more than supportive. He’d been everything. I’d known Spencer forever and loved him in one way or another for even longer, but in the past week, he’d become my hero. He held me when I needed him to, he’d picked me up off the floor and wiped my tears. He’d given me tough love when I needed it, whether or not I wanted to hear it. Now though, now he’d gone home. Returned to his life and left me to mine. Or what was left of it.
Before he’d left he’d made me promise that I was okay. Each day I’d come home from the office to find him waiting on my couch, dinner already cooking, and as I’d walk through the door he’d offer me a smile and ask how I was. Not once did he ask how work was, or what I’d been up to…his questions were always about me. How was I feeling. How much pain were my ribs causing me. Did I need anything. He’d made me the number one priority in his world. I loved him for it. Somehow I knew I’d never be able to repay him.
And each day, I’d told him the truth. I ached. I was tired. I was grumpy. The man on the tram stunk. When I’d come home on Wednesday night, I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t take another day of seeing the pain and pity in his eyes. It was too much. Too hard. So I did something I never thought I’d do. I lied. To Spencer’s face, I lied to him. I told him that I was all right. That I could do it on my own. I must have been damn convincing because he’d believed me. The next morning Spencer packed his bags and headed home.
And I’d let him.
I was a fucking idiot.
A fucking, lying idiot.
And now I was paying the price. Now I was sitting alone in my empty apartment staring at the sunrise. I wasn’t just alone. I was lonely.
Then I couldn’t breathe. I was fighting for each breath. Wheezing and gasping and then I dropped the mug I’d been holding, sending it clattering to the floor, the hot liquid spilling everywhere. I couldn’t care. Clutching my chest, I felt like I was trying to hold everything together, but couldn’t. When black spots danced in my vision I knew I was in trouble.
Grabbing my phone, my trembling fingers managed to hit the speed dial.
“Zoe!” Spencer’s voice sounded surprisingly buoyant for being barely dawn.
“Sp-en-cer,” I stammered, coughing on another breath.
“Fuck, Zoe! What’s going on?”
“Can’t…breathe.”
“Okay, Zoe. It’s okay. You’re okay. Just sit down. Go on…go sit on the couch.”
“M’kay.”
“Are you sitting down?”
“Ye-yeah.”
“Right now take off your shoes. Are they off?”
“Mmm,” I mumbled as I kicked off my socks.
“Right now this might hurt a bit because of your ribs, but I want you to try. Try for me. Put your head between your knees and just concentrate on taking one breath at a time. Forget everything else. Just take a breath. Just one. That’s good. Now take another.”
I followed Spencer’s instructions explicitly. I wasn’t sure whether it was the breathing that was slowing my racing heart or Spencer’s steady, soothing voice in my ear, but I started to feel better.
