I felt sick. I wanted to throw up. I tried to pull away from Spencer, but he held tight. My skin was covered in goose bumps. I tried pulling again and this time Spencer loosened his grip and I was freed. Stepping back, I almost tripped over my own feet, somehow though I managed to stay upright, although I’m not sure how. Without another word, or really knowing what I was doing I started walking as fast as my legs could carry me.
“Zoe? Zoe?” I heard Spencer calling to me but I couldn’t stop. My legs were on auto pilot. Deep down I knew I was acting childish, running away. I just couldn’t slow down.
When I broke into a jog my whole body protested loudly, but I didn’t care. Instead I pushed harder. Breathing in the frigid air was a killer. My lungs screamed in agony and as the doctor’s words floated back through my head, I knew there was a chance I’d see Nurse Foreman. Soon. She’d told me to rest. Take it easy. Preferably bed rest. Here I was after a night of binge drinking followed by a morning of praying to the porcelain gods…now I was attempting to run cross country.
I didn’t know where I was headed until I got there. With tears almost blinding me, it was a miracle I’d even managed to find Spencer’s truck in the sea of clones. They all looked the same. Huge. Dark. Dirty. Intimidating. The moment I leaned against the door of Spencer’s truck I felt safe. I knew it was stupid, but I couldn’t explain it. If anything I was in more danger in a dark, deserted parking lot than I had been standing on the edge of the football field with kids running around.
Wiping at my tears, I felt small. And sad. And beaten. I hated myself. How could everything have got so messed up? Two days ago, I’d left my apartment in Melbourne ready to spend a weekend with friends. Friends I’d known most of my life. And now look at me. I didn’t even want to talk to anyone, let alone let them see me. I was a disaster. When I caught a glimpse of the person staring back at me from the side mirror, the tears came harder. With my caked on makeup smudged and wiped completely off in some places, the bruises and evidence was so clear. It was a wonder Spencer could even look at me, let alone touch me.
When a beep broke the quiet and a flash of bright yellow lights lit up the car park, it scared the life out of me. It took a moment to realise what was going on, but when I tugged on the door handle it gave way easily. Spencer had figured me out. I shouldn’t have been surprised. He’d unlocked the car, allowing me to scramble into the passenger seat and slam the door shut behind me. With another beep I was locked in. Even from a distance he was trying to keep me safe.
It took more than ten minutes for me to get myself together again enough to sit up. Glancing in the mirror on the back of the visor, I saw a stranger. I barely recognised the shell of a woman staring back at me. Her eyes were lifeless and haunted. Running my finger through my hair and wiping my face, when I eventually managed to look away, my eyes locked with his. The boy who was always there for me. Every time I needed him, without question, Spencer was there. I loved him for it.
He cocked his head to the side in a silent question and I found myself answering with a soft nod. I watched as he rose slowly from the log he’d been sitting on and walked towards the car slowly. Even though I felt like shit for making him feel so uncomfortable, I appreciated his thoughtfulness. Every move he made was deliberate. Calculated. Measured. It was like he was gauging my reaction before making his next move. Patiently making sure I was onboard with anything before he proceeded.
Sliding into the driver’s seat, he stuck the key in the ignition before he turned to me. “Ready to head home?”
My mouth fell open. Out of all of the things he could have asked me, that was not what I was expecting. I was expecting curious questioning and soft interrogation. Spencer offered neither. Just polite manners.
“More than you know,” I admitted as I pulled on my seat belt.
Without another word, Spencer slipped the truck in gear and drove us through the deserted streets. By the time he parked in the driveway I was desperate to talk. To apologise. To explain. Once again, Spencer didn’t give me a chance. Instead he jumped from the car, darted around to my side, and opened my door before offering me a hand down. I didn’t need it, but I took it anyway. The warmth from his fingers gave me more comfort than they should. Without dropping my hand he led me up the path and through the front door.
“Coffee?” he called out as he moved straight into the kitchen.
“Thanks,” I answered automatically.
Kicking off my boots, I followed the sound of crinkling packets and running water to the kitchen and sat on a stool at the bench. The silence was stifling. “Spencer, I need to explain…” I began, my voice pathetic and shaky.
“Zoe, you never have to explain. Not to me,” he responded as he turned to face me, but he didn’t approach. That wasn’t lost on me. Instead, he leaned back against the sink and folded his long arms across his chest. At the sight of his arms my heart squeezed. I wanted to be wrapped up in them. I hoped one day, I’d find a way back, I just didn’t know how.
“Spencer, please,” I begged, pushing on. Even if he didn’t need to hear it, I needed to get it out. “I know I made an idiot out of myself tonight running away. It’s just…it all just got too much. And Kane?I know he’s your brother and I know he probably didn’t mean anything by it, but the things he said?the things he was suggesting?”
“Zoe,” Spencer’s voice was like whiskey. Lifting my head, my eyes met his and my heart broke. It was more than just a break. It shattered. Into a million tiny shards and I wasn’t sure if it would ever be able to be put back together. “Firstly, you didn’t make an idiot out of yourself. Sure, tonight people saw you run to the car and they saw me chase you, but people in this town have known me a long time. You mightn’t spend much time around here these days but I can pretty much guarantee all they are thinking is that I said or did something stupid to make you run.”
“I’m sorry. I never?”
“Forget it. Tomorrow they won’t even remember it.” He dismissed it with a wave of his hand. “And secondly, yes?you’re right. Kane is my brother. My twin brother. He’s an ass. If he hadn’t been whimpering and bitching in pain, I would have knocked him into next week for the things he said, Zoe. It wasn’t you. It was Kane. Trying to show off and be a big man. More than that, that was Kane just trying to piss me off.”
I couldn’t help but smile weakly, “Well, judging by that look on your face, I’d say it worked.”
My sarcastic comment had the desired effect. I watched as the anger and the resentment and the frustration faded from his body. When his shoulders drooped I knew I hadn’t destroyed him with my own bullshit. Now I just had to remember to keep my problems to myself. Spencer didn’t need to beat himself up about this. Not now. Not ever.
“Yeah, I guess it did. Seriously though, I know I keep asking and I know you’re sick of hearing it, but I have to…are you all right? Really? And remember, it’s just me. No need to pretend. Are you really okay?”
I didn’t want to answer him. I couldn’t lie to Spencer and I didn’t want to, but looking in his eyes I could see the concern there. It was my pain and I didn’t want to make it worse for him. “Honestly?”
“Always.”
“No, Spence. I’m a fucking mess.”
I thought that as soon as I admitted it out loud I’d feel worse, but I didn’t. It felt good. Everything felt lighter. Like carrying the lies and trying to be something I’m not, trying to put on a brave face was exhausting beyond belief.
“Thank fuck for that.” He laughed gruffly as he filled the coffee cups and shuffled around before collapsing heavily into the seat beside me.
“Huh?”
“At least now you’re telling the truth and we can stop pussy footing around and just be us again.” He sighed as he took a sip of his coffee.
