I rocked back and forth, banging my back against the headboard as I gasped for breath. My lungs cried out for air. My throat burned anew. My head thumped worse and worse as the seconds ticked by.
Can’t do this. Can’t survive it again. Please. Make it stop.
“Koda? Honey? I need you to take a deep breath for me, okay? Just breathe. Can you do that?”
Hell no, I couldn’t.
I whimpered, which didn’t help my breathing one bit.
I had nowhere I could run to. I had no hope of coming out on the other side of this stronger. I’d be torn into pieces again by yet another male who only wanted every inch of me.
Pressing my forehead to my knees, tears instantly caused me to choke against them as they, along with snot, slid down my throat.
“Fuck.”Another cuss word fell from the man as I gagged.
I barely turned my head in time to expel whatever I had in me so it didn’t land in my lap. Instead, it made a splattering noise into a plastic can that whoever was here with me held to catch it all.
When there was nothing left in me, I leaned fully back against the headboard, panting and crying.
For once in my life, I wanted Dawn. I wanted her arms wrapped around me and her voice telling me that everything would be okay. That the monsters couldn’t come get me.
Instead, I was back in a hell I didn’t want to be in.
“At least you’re breathing now,” the male muttered. Then just slightly louder but still quiet like I was a bomb to be set off, he spoke more words that took too long to get through mybrain.“I’ll be right back with a cool wash rag so you can clean your face off. And maybe a new shirt.” By the time the words registered, he was gone.
My shoulders slumped, defeat filling the hollow places of my soul.
Why was it always when I was already down, low and at the mercy of whatever was going on, when the monsters attacked me the most?
I sniffed, getting a whiff of the bile that was in fact, covering part of my face and my shirt.
Knowing a shower would be the best option, but having no strength or will for doing so, I pulled my shirt off over my head. Maybe if I was disgusting enough, no man would ever want to touch me with a ten-foot pole.
“I guess that’s one way to get cleaned up,” the male mumbled, more to himself than me. “Not what I was aiming for.” There was a pause as he stepped closer, his steps careful and slow. “Can you manage to wash your face off?”
I glared in his direction. There was no way any part of my body was moving on its own right now. Every part of me was dead weight as my heart slowly slowed.
A part of me, a major part, was done. That part of my brain knew to go into survival mode, to let whatever happen, happen.Whatever was about to happen, there was no point in fighting against.
I was done.
“Alright,” the man sighed. I could already feel the disappointment in my lack of trying to fill the room. All that did was make another round of tears appear and my chin wobbled.
I want Dawn.
“I’m going to clean you up, okay Koda?”
Just let me die,I thought, but didn’t move a single muscle as the man came closer. The bed dipped as he took a seat on the edge, before repeating his words.
I jerked as a cool cloth touched my face. The touch was gentle but just enough to wipe away the bile, snot and tears. My eyes slid closed as I held my breath for whatever was to come next.
“Breathe, honey.”
I shook my head, even though a breath ghosted through my parted lips.
My chest hurt as I fought with my lungs again.
“All done. I’ll be right back. Drink a few sips of water, okay?”
