That night, I tossed and turned in bed. The only light was from the oil diffuser that Dawn had gotten me the Christmas before. It was soft enough I could sleep through the changing colors, yet bright enough to light up the room enough I could see where I was going without my glasses.
Huffing, I flopped onto my back, staring up at the blurry ceiling.
Dinner tonight still sat heavy in my stomach and I couldn’t figure out if that was due to the food or the thoughts.
Jasper was different, and I was unsure if I liked that. He was kind, more so than any man had ever been to me in almost my entire life. He saw a part of me that I didn’t want the world to see.
Yeah, I was an open book and was easy to read. Dawn wasn’t the only person who told me that. But still, Jasper seemed to know more than anyone else, even Dr. Shaw. Although, maybe she saw it all but didn’t remark on it.
Could a single person know how the monsters liked to scratch at me from the inside out? Did a person truly have the ability to look in my head and see the thoughts that were forever burned into my brain?
I knew I wasn’t the only survivor anymore. There were tons of others out there, all in different stages of healing. Some were more outspoken, sharing their stories to news stations and writing books. Others were just as quiet as I was.
Sitting up, back against the headboard and knees to my chest, I wrapped my arms around my legs loosely, the stuffed elephant squished between them.
I hated long nights, and tonight was definitely going to be one of those. The crickets were quiet outside my cracked window. The house settled as the temperature lowered another degree.
Sometimes, when the nights dragged on, I’d pull out one of the many notebooks and write my thoughts down. Tonight, that wasn’t going to be happening. There were no new thoughts that hadn’t been written down. I didn’t need to repeat what I’ve written a hundred times already over the past three years.
I was still lost in this huge world. There was still no hope of me ever becoming more than what I was right now, despite how much I was trying. It didn’t look like it on the outside, but I battled so many things in my mind that I felt like I was ten times bigger than I was some days. Because I was winning.
Trying to keep a positive outlook, even when I was failing, was slowly getting easier.Or at least I pretended it was. I wasn’t sure it made much difference. I still struggled, and always would.
Breathing in deep, I flickered my eyes towards the window, tempted to venture outside. Dawn wouldn’t care, but being out there in the dark alone scared me in a different way. I couldn’t see if someone was sneaking up behind me. But yet, the dark hid me in a way that nothing else ever could.
It was the dark that both taunted and welcomed me.
Instead, I laid back down, and closed my eyes. Maybe, if I pretended to sleep, I could find some sort of peacefulness that I so desperately wanted.
***
A breeze wafted through the air, moving the few pieces of hair that never wanted to be tamed against my forehead. The leaves rustled in the trees, causing a few birds to chirp in annoyance.
I never thought I’d enjoy living in the country. Heck, I never thought I’d live to be a day over seventeen, even with my young appearance. Yet, here I sat on a covered porch, enjoying the quiet life of freedom.
I could do just about anything my heart desired. But instead, I was sitting here hiding inthe shade, yet in a spot that gave me a view of the two boys as they worked on the yard next door.
They were too far away to hear them talk, but they seemed to be having a fun time cleaning up trash that had gathered over the past few years along the edges of the house. Every once in a while, laughter would carry on the wind my way, causing my heart to beat in envy.
Was I capable of laughing? Could I find joy in doing a simple task such as cleaning up someone’s mess?
I guess I did find some sort of peace in keeping the house clean, but that was more out of just giving myself something to do to pass the time.
Dawn’s yard wasn’t filled with trash. That part had been cleaned away already this year when the weather had started to warm up. The yard, on the other hand, needed some work. But Dawn refused to let me mow, saying she didn’t own a mower that worked. I was pretty sure the one in the shed could be started if I tried, but she didn’t want me to worry about the grass.
“It’s the country. Who cares if the yard has tall grass out here? I sure don’t.”She had muttered.
“Hey, you.” I was pulled from my thoughts as Trace skipped towards me. Hisshirt was caked in sweat around the neckline, but it didn’t seem to bother him one bit. I guess my hiding spot wasn’t as well hidden as I thought. “Jasper sent me to see if it’s okay if we mow your yard?”
I shrugged. Dawn hadn’t said anything about someone else doing it. Just that I wasn’t to do it. Since I apparently did too much around the house as it was.
“Is your mom home?” he went on, taking another step closer but keeping enough of a distance between us.
I shook my head. It wasn’t worth the time to explain that Dawn was my aunt, although at this point, she may as well be my mom.
“Wanna text her or something to make sure it’s okay to mow the yard? I don’t want her to yell at us. My mom does that enough.” Although the last part was spoken like a joke, it felt like it wasn’t.
Pretty sure that Dawn wouldn’t care, I picked up my phone from beside me where I’d sat it earlier. It took her a matter of seconds to reply that Jasper was allowed to mow if he wanted to, but he didn’t have to.
