I could do this,I thought with a deep breath.
The door opened, revealing a large group of people exiting the coffee shop. Their voices were loud, laughter and maybe a joke or two between a few of the group members. None of the words spoken reached me, as all my focus was on my breathing.
Deep breaths were not helping the beating organ in my chest that felt like it was about to fly out with wings.
Expanding my safe areas, as Dr. Shaw said, wasn’t what I wanted to do on a Saturday morning. Or any time for that matter. It just sucked that this was more my idea than the doctor’s this time around.
I wanted to say that I may be a bit more comfortable picking out things I wanted, but that was a lie. I did better get certain food items that Dawn needed for meals. She could give me a list, and I knew what to get without second thoughts or falling into a panic attack. But when it came to my needs or wants, that’s where things got jumbled up in my head.
Another deep inhale, and I pushed forward, willing my legs to hold my weight.
“It’s okay if you can’t do this today. We can always come back another day,” Dawn said, right behind me. “It’s okay to fail.”
I was already a failure,I thought. But I could do this. I had to.
`I was getting agitated by always fearing my own shadow. I was annoyed with my thoughts, and I wanted to be normal. Or as close to what I could be. I was four months away from being sixteen.
While inside, I still felt like a child who knew the world, yet knew nothing on how to live a life without a hand holding my own. I wanted that to change.
I couldn’t always depend on Dawn, even though she was always there, every step of the way.I came to terms with the fact I probably wouldn’t be in the world like everyone else. I would never be able to be out and about on my own, let alone with any groups of people. Which, I was more than okay with.
As long as I had Dawn, I’d be fine in the end. It was better than what I once thought would be my life and the end of it all.
Stepping into the coffee shop, Dawn pushed a hand along my lower back to urge me a bit more inside so we didn’t block the doorway. There were tables with chairs set about three feet apart from one another all over the open space. My gaze drifted over the artwork that covered every inch of the wallsbefore I got my feet to move towards an empty table off to the right.
Thankfully, I had already written down what I wanted, so that was one obstacle I didn’t have to deal with as I took a seat and Dawn went to order our drinks.
When I sat, hands clasped tightly on the black tabletop, did I release a breath I hadn’t remembered holding. It came out in a gush before I gulped in another breath.
No one paid attention to me, nor did they even look my way. A group on the other side of the shop was a bit louder as laughter rang out, but still, no one looked over at me. I took a moment to look them over a bit closer. A few men and women of all ages, kind of grouped together or paired off, yet all together in one group. They seemed to know each other well, joking and talking as if they hadn’t seen each other for weeks on end, or what I’d assume would be the case.
What? Wait.
I blinked, my eyes wide as someone moved and I caught a glimpse of a boy – not a man – with dark blond hair. He looked familiar. Too much so, I had to shake my head.
There was no way anyone I had been held in a room with against my will would be here of all the places available. It wasn’t possible.
I was a one in a hundred chance to be saved as I was.
It wasn’t…
“You, okay?” Dawn took a seat in front of me, forcing my gaze to hers. She turned to look at the group before returning to facing me. “Someone you know over there?”
I quickly shook my head, which caused my hair to fall in front of my eyes over the top of my glasses.
“It’s okay if you do. There’s other’s that have been saved; you know.”
But not like me. Not that I had asked for details from Sarah or anything the few times she’s stopped by to check on my wellbeing.
Leaning towards the side, I got another good glance at the man. He was too far away for me to see well enough, but my heart beat in my chest just a tiny bit quicker.
Asher couldn’t be here. He was a favorite. He couldn’t have been able to get away from the monster as easily as I had, could he?
I swallowed; my drink completely forgotten.
Asher. The boy I huddled up against when he was beaten to an inch of his life.
Asher, the boy I knew didn’t deserve to be there, out of all the others.
