It hurt to breathe. It hurt to remember. It hurt to cry. It just plain hurt.
I wanted to cuss the world. I wanted to burn my eyes out so I didn’t have to remember ever again.
Instead, all I could do was sit there, knees pulled to my chest, and cry. Tears leaked as sobs tore from within. And with it, the ghostly touches of the past swarmed as though I were still there. Still there being tortured.
“Koda?” Dawn’s voice did little to help soothe the deep ache within. It was so deep, that surely there was a deep gaping hole in my chest where my heart once sat.
When her arms wrapped around me, I all but fell against her, letting her scent reach my senses. A hiccup like sob bubbled out of my throat as she pulled me tightly against her. A hand ran up and down my back, offering comfort I didn’t know I needed.
There was no word, no explanation, for the way I felt. I was broken beyond repair. Iwas like pieces of shattered glass, scattered to parts of a room. The sharp edges would cut, stab and make anyone bleed. And the glass would never be whole again, like new.
I wasn’t just cracked anymore. I was broken into a million and one tiny pieces, bleeding and dying inside while the world moved on.
Some would say I was lucky to be alive, but I felt anything but that. I wasn’t lucky. I wasn't even meant to be alive. Yet here I was. Breathing, and fighting to stay alive just because one person really did care about me.
“It’s okay. I’ve got you, honey. Let it all out.” Dawn’s whispered words were just as broken as I felt, yet she pulled me tight against her. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Dawn kept whispering things to the top of my head, not once letting me go. She told me how proud she was of me. She promised to never be by my side. She said she would take away the past if she could. She told me how much she cared about me.
Finally, the sobs turned into silent tears, leaving me more tired than I had been for a long time. My eyes leaked, my nose was snotty, andhad to be a disgusting piece of human being. Yet, Dawn held me, not once letting go.
Sniffing for the billionth time, I forced my body to pull away. Dawn still held on, onlyslowly dropping her hands from my upper arms when I wiped my nose on the back of my hand.
“I love you, Koda.” She handed over a Kleenex as she spoke the words. “I hope you know that.”
I blew my nose, unsure on how to respond to that statement, if there was a way to reply.
Men loved my body. They enjoyed playing around with it all the time. But I knew Dawn didn’t mean it that way.
No. This wasn’t about the desires of monsters.
“Your pain hurts me, since I know there’s not much I can do to help you. I really would take it all if there was a way. I love you.” She repeated the three words, and this time they settled in on me a bit better. “Although,” she paused, giving me a wide smile. “I hate seeing you that upset, but I’m pretty sure your voice works.”
What?
My gaze snapped up to hers. I hadn’t spoken. I’d surely remember that if I had. I didn’t talk. I didn’t make any sounds.
“You were sobbing and mumbling, honey.” Her voice softened, as did her gaze before I dropped my own to my lap, where the stuffed animal sat. “I couldn’t make out what you were saying, but it works. I won’t push youto talk. I promise. I want you to talk only when you want to.”
I sniffed, trying to remember why I’d even talk at all.
“You’re safe, Koda.” I knew that. I wasn’t sure why she kept repeating that so much. “Anyhow, how about some pizza? I’m not in the mood to cook, unless there’s something else you want.”
I lifted a shoulder; hunger was the least of my concerns. What I wanted the most was to just lay down and sleep the rest of my life away.
“Go wash up, and I’ll order food.”
After a few seconds, that’s what I did. I used the bathroom next to the stairs, leaving the stuffed animal on the couch. By the time I was done cleaning up my face, as it was a horrible mess, Dawn was setting up the table. She shot me a smile.
“I see Mrs. Lee was by.”
I nodded.
“You can keep more than one of the things in the box, you know. I won’t care. Or keep them all.”
I shook my head. I was fine with just the one. And I once again hoped that she wouldn’t start buying every cute stuffed animal she came across.
Chapter 17
