Peeking through the window of the door, I saw Mrs. Lee standing on the other side. Her black hair was cut short, like it always was these days. Not a gray hair to be seen.
I slowly pulled the door open, hoping whatever she wanted would be quick, even though I had nothing to get back to. It wasn’t like I was doing anything other than watching another history documentary about different missile locations that could be toured around the United States.
“Hello, dear,” she greeted, then went right for whatever reason she was here, knowing I wouldn’t talk. “I’m cleaning out my house, since my Larry passed away a few months ago. My kids think that I should downsize, and move a bit closer to town where I don’t have to keep up with yard work and what not. Anyhow, I have this box of stuffed animals I had planned to give my grandkids one day, but they aren’t really into such things now that they are older.” That was when my eyes were drawn to the brown box she held against her chest. “I thought maybe you’d like to have them. Dawn wasn’t sure when I asked and told me to just come over. I figured if you didn’t answer the door, I’d just leave them hereon the porch for you. You don’t have to take them, of course.”
I blinked, trying to get my brain to work with me. That part was still in the living room, glued to the TV.
Stuffed animals?
“They are almost all brand new. Dawn said if you didn’t want them, she’d give them to the social worker you got and she’d be able to give them to some kids who need something to call their own.”
I nodded once.
“Perfect. Here you go, dear. Keep whatever you want.” Mrs. Lee thrusted the box towards me, where I really didn’t have much choice but to grab ahold of the bottom. It was light, thankfully. “I may have more treasures hiding around. Maybe you’d be up to helping an old lady take stuff to the car one day this week? I’ll let you keep whatever you want.”
Another nod, even though I had no clue why I’d want to keep anything she owned. It wasn’t my stuff. Not to mention, I didn’t need anything else than what I had now. Dawn had given me more than what I needed. My closet was too full as it was.
“Perfect,” she repeated, taking a single step back before turning around. “I’ll see you later. I’ll text Dawn when I need your help to load junk into the car.” With that, she turnedand slowly made her way back to the house next door.
I watched her for a few moments, mostly confused.
She was a nice lady, like what I’d think a grandma would be like if I had one to call my own. She always asked how I was doing, making sure to ask me herself when I was present instead of pretending that I didn’t breathe the same air.
Her husband had been nice enough, too, for the most part. He grumbled a lot, but never raised his voice unless they were in his yard, and that was just for the birds that liked to pick on him.
When Mrs. Lee was out of my sight, I stepped back and shut the door. Putting the box on the table that Dawn kept mostly for mail, I opened the flaps and looked inside.
It wasn’t all that big, but it had a number of all sized stuffed animals. The fur of them was all bright and clean, although they certainly smelt like her house. It could have been worse, as her place didn’t smell like piss or mold, or even moth balls like some people said old people smell like.
The first few things I pulled out were a little older, the fur not as soft as the newer ones. The colors were only slightly faded. A couple were brand new, tags still on and way too colorful for my eyes. No wonder Mrs. Lee’skids didn’t want them. Surely there was some other kid out there who would enjoy them, at least.
Towards the bottom was where I found one, I would maybe keep. It was soft, even the fluff inside of the animal was. I couldn’t help but squish it to my chest, letting it settle against me like I was a small child once again.
I couldn’t recall if I ever had a favorite stuffed animal or toy as a kid, but given what happened to me, I probably didn’t.
Pulling it away, I took a closer look at the gray elephant. It was by far the softest of all the others, and not super big. It was the perfect size to squeeze against my chest at night.
Right there, I decided I was going to keep it. There weren't any other kids in this house who would want it, and I knew that Dawn wouldn’t care. If anything, she’d probably start buying me more things I didn’t need.
Rolling my eyes at that thought, because Dawn couldn’t help but think I needed ten pairs of every sort of item, I tossed the toys back into the box for her to figure out what to do with them later.
Pushing my glasses up my nose, I went back to my show, pretending that I was doing homeschool stuff. I was glad it wasn’t nearly as bad as I made my thoughts be about it.
I expected tons of papers, tons of questions, and tons of things to do. Dr. Shawhad helped there, at least, giving Dawn and I ideas on what I could do to earn time asa homeschoolerthat didn’t require things that would give me a headache. It was more about the idea of not getting all the right answers, or knowing things.
All my clients – wait, abusers. They abused me, hurt me, broke me. I had to get used to calling them that. I was no longer a slave, a mouth or toy to be played with. I was a survivor, even if I didn't feel like one.
Anyways, they all wanted me to know what to do before they told me. They wanted to test me, to see how far I could go before I broke in many different ways. They pushed limits I didn’t know I had, and now I put that same kind of pressure on everyday normal things.
Lost in my thoughts, I took a seat on the couch with the elephant pressed against my chest. The TV stayed paused, my interest now gone for the moment.
I hated moments like this. Where the past snuck up on me and pulled me away. I didn’t want to remember how men wanted me. I didn’t want to recall how sweaty, beefy hands felt sliding over my skin. I didn’t want to feel the fathom touches of dicks in places that I didn’t want.
I just wanted it all to stop.
Wasn’t it bad enough that I had to live through it? Why did they still have to haunt me after I was free? Why did the cold-blooded monsters want to take everything from me so badly?
Pressing the stuffed animal to my face, I breathed out a harsh breath. With it, came a strangled sob that tore from my chest. It hurt so much.
