My lungs cried and seized at the same time as tears gathered in my eyes.
Crap.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think.
My heart threatened to race out of my chest as black dots appeared in my watery vision.
“Koda? Honey. You gotta breathe. One big breath in. Come on.”
Warm hands on either side of my cheeks coaxed a stuttering breath to kind of release, but then relodge in my chest at the same time. Some sort of cough, cry sound came forth, jarring my entire body.
Help.I pleaded silently.
Minutes ago, maybe I wanted to die. But now I don't. I didn’t want to go out like this, at least.
“In. Slow and steady.”Dawn moved one hand to take ahold of my own, moving both to her chest where I could feel each exhale she took. She repeated the process, telling me to breathe in, then out. Over and over.
My chest ached, like it was caving in when I finally got a good amount of air to pass though my fiery lungs. It burned, yet my body forced more air to release once again.
“There ya go,” Dawn whispered as my breathing slowly became easier bit by bit. It was still choppy. “Keep breathing. In. Out.”
My breathing turned easier, and with it the effort to keep myself upright slipped away. I fell against Dawn’s chest. She gave out a smalloomph, but wrapped her arms around me. At that small gesture, I sobbed. I sobbed for so many things.
For the things I lost. For the parents I should have had. For the love and safety that every child should have. I cried like I had never done before.
I’ve spent years of my life crying. Mostly crying in pain. This wasn’t painful. It was just a loss of the life I could have had. Loss for what I wanted but would never get. And for the loss of just being able to be someone that wasn’t dragged down by monsters.
Eventually, my sobs stopped, yet tears still fell. Dawn’s arms around my back held metight, giving me something I never knew I needed.
“Lunch?” She whispered near my ear when my body was no longer shaking. “Then a nap.”
I nodded twice.
Dawn pulled back, waiting for me to keep my body upright before cupping my cheeks once again. Her green eyes bounced between my dull brown ones before she gave a small smile.
“You won’t push me away, Koda. You are to stay here, and no matter how sad you get, no matter what you think, you get to stay here. With me. For as long asyouwant to. No one gets to decide that but you. I will never force you out of this home. It’s yours as much as mine. And my arms are also here for you to seek comfort from at any time. I’ll forever keep fighting for you, even if you don’t give me the chance to do so.”
I could only blink my watery eyes at her, feeling another couple of tears slip down the corners of my eyes.
“A few weeks is not enough time to show you that you’re free or that you are welcome here. But I will keep doing everything I can to prove to you that I want you here, Koda.”
Chapter 14
Age 15 ½
I hated this. Everything about it.
It didn’t matter that it was part of myhealing,according to Dr. Shaw and Dawn. Nothing could make today better. Not even the fact that I was to pick out something I wanted.
I snorted at that.
What I wanted was back at Dawns. The swing called my name, since it was a beautiful day. The middle of June where the birds were out, afternoon thunderstorms rolled in, and the lightning bugs flicked by right after dusk.
“Maybe it should be two things,” Dawn mused from beside me.
I shot her an annoyed look, to which she laughed. She couldn’t possibly know this was not the right way to get me to venture out on my own. Ever.
Not that I’d likely do that anyways.
