I simply nodded once, letting her words settle just enough in my head. It hurt me, knowing that she was hurting for me.
What the hell was wrong with me?
No one cared about me before. Why was Dawn trying to care so much? Why did her cracking voice crack something inside of me that should be long dead by now?
“After lunch, you should take a nap.”
Another nod. I’d happily skip eating to do just that. At this exact moment, I felt like I could sleep for a week, but given how much rest I’vegotten the past few days, a nap was likely to happen.
“Then, we’ll talk about some things. And I expect you to give me truthful answers.”
Couldn’t we just get that done and out of the way now? I looked around for a notebook, knowing there was one somewhere in here. There was one in almost every room, so at least I didn’t have to carry one around with me everywhere.
Spotting it just slightly out of reach, I had to stretch out to grab it. My motions were slow, and my fingers weren’t working all that great with me.
When I pulled it closer, the last page was still open, pen stuck in the metal spiral, I sloppily wrote down my thoughts.
Talk now. Get it over with
“I highly doubt you’ll be able to think straight right now,” Dawn answered. “When was the last time you slept?”
I lifted a shoulder. Did it matter?
“That’s what I thought,” she went on thoughtfully, turning back to the stove to stir whatever she was making. “You also haven’t been eating much. You’re already skin and bones.”
Nothing I could do about that either. So, I just blinked and tapped the end of the pen against the paper.
“Fine, but we’ll re-talk it all over after a nap,” she sighed, shaking her head like I was forcing her. Which, I wasn’t. I just…wanted to get it done and over with. That way, maybe I could sleep for hours on end. Maybe then…well I really don’t know.
“Whatever is making you want to harm yourself, you need to either tell me or Dr. Shaw. We can’t help you unless you give us a chance.”
Didn’t she know that there were no words that could explain that?
“I’ve done tons of reading since you came here, Koda. I may not understand everything you’ve been through, but I can certainly have ideas. And yes, I’m upset more at the entire system for what you’ve been through. I know there are certain things that I can do to help you learn to deal with things. Dr. Shaw is more than able to help, too. You aren’t alone in this.”
But wasn’t I? They hadn’t lived through hell. They weren’t waiting death to call them every breathing second with a dick in their ass.
There were just going to be things that I’d never be able to overcome. No amount of therapy, talking or anything would help me there. It was what it was.
“That's fine, you don’t believe me,” Dawn went on, once again reading my thoughts. I couldn’t stop myself from widening my eyes. “Your expressions tell your thoughts more than words ever could, dear. And I want to say I know you well enough to read most of your thoughts.”
I breathed through my nose as I dropped my eyes to the paper in front of me once more.
“I hope with time, you’ll see that there are options. There are ways to find help, even when you don’t think there is. I’m sure a few weeks of us all telling you that you're free isn’t enough to get through that brain. Not after years of being told what to do, and when. It’s a huge change to go from having everything controlled, to having to make all those choices. Which is why I’ve given you space to come to terms with things. Time to sort out some thoughts, and also see how you act when I don’t give you something to do. I know you hate it when I don’t let you help with dishes, or do your part around here.”
I shot a quick, small glare her way. I kind of disliked how she knew me way too well, yet something poked at my heart at the same time.
For once, I was being seen as who I was. I wasn’t just a boy serving a client or obeying a master’s command. Dawn saw me. Truly saw me.
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to respond.
All I knew was the feeling of something starting to grow inside of me. A feeling that lodged itself in my throat, making it difficult to breathe all of sudden.
A part of me wanted to run. Run and hide somewhere I could never be found again. But the other part was frozen right where I sat. My butt was glued to the stool with my heart beating too quickly in my chest.
My next breath was still stuck, causing my eyes to widen in fear.
Was this death? If so, it wasn’t a nice feeling.
