“I’ll tell you how many times it is needed. You are free from the life you had before Dawn. Someone obviously was looking out for your wellbeing or you wouldn’t be here today.” She paused long enough I thought maybe she was just going to let me drift in my own thoughts again. The notebook lay face up in my lap, hand loosely holding the pen. “It’ll take weeks, maybe months to years, to heal from what you’ve been through. You are a victim, a survivor, and so much more.”
I was just Koda.
I didn’t see anything changing more than it had. It was more than enough to just be able to be with Dawn. Enough to not have to serve and be forced to do certain things that I never wanted to do again.
The past could stay buried deep in me, and I hoped with more time, it’d just magically disappear. I didn’t know what the future held for me. It didn’t exactly matter like it hadn’tbeen years ago. Now, my death may look a bit different than I once had thought it’d be.
Instead of dying at the hands of a monster, it could be a hundred other things. Things I didn’t want to think about.That was of course, only if Dawn let me stay with her long enough.
“Let’s change the topic,” Dr. Shaw said, shifting again in the chair. “Have you thought of anything you want?”
I blinked, containing the eye roll that threatened to escape. Right now, all I wanted was to stay with Dawn. I wanted her to keep letting me stay with her.
Instead of writing something down again, I underlined Dawn’s name on the paper.
“You want Dawn?” I shook my head, tapping her name again. “You want to stay with her?” Then, I nodded twice.
I’d do anything to stay with her.
“I want to believe that she’ll do anything to keep that as an opportunity for you. From my understanding, Dawn has tried for years to track you down. I don’t think she’d willingly let you go, and even then, she’ll still fight with everything in her to have you with her.”
The nagging thought of her getting tired of me sat in the back of my head. It was there, knocking on the door to remind me that my time was limited. Sooner or later, Dawn would get tired of me. The reasons would pile up, and there’d be nothing I’d be able to do to change the fact that I was unwanted.
Unwanted by this world.
The universe hated me.
So, did I.
I cried too much. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t function like a fifteen-year-old. And it wasn’t only my body that was broken, but my mind too.
I ran a hand under my nose, getting fed up with my emotions. And my thoughts, too.
I wasn’t surprised that everyone was always tired of me. The snotty nose was bad enough. I was like a five-year-old who was constantly running around with goop seeping from their nose.
I was the most pathetic person alive.
“Want to tell me what’s going through your mind?”
No,I thought with another sniff. I gently pushed the notebook off my lap, letting it land on the table. Inside, I wanted to throw the stupid thing. I wanted to yell.
Instead, I took a deep breath, held it in my lungs until they burned with pressure and released it slowly so it didn’t make a singlenoise. With that one exhale, I shut it all off. I shut off the thoughts. I shut off the wants and feelings.
I couldn’t do it anymore.
The loss of what was to come would destroy me more than anything else in life.
I was done.
***
The car ride home was quiet, even for me. Sure, there was music on low, and Dawn chatted here and there, but it all went in one year and out the other.
The desire to curl up in a corner and fade away was strong. I would be content enough for the entire world to forget I existed. Then maybe I could die in peace.
Feeling nothing at all would have to do, since my heart still beats in my chest, despite my will to get it to stop.
It wasn’t the first time, and most likely, not the last, where I wished I could just take myself out of the equation.
