“It’s more to make sure I’m doing my job,” Dawn had explained. “If you want to stay with me, then I have to do my part. Which is to be a parent.”
I sighed at her explanation, having no way I could argue against her. I liked staying with her more than I expected. And if I got to stay, then I’d suffer through a different type of torture.
Sure, the appointments didn’t hurt me physically, or really mentally, either. It was just hard to handle. Doctors wanted to touch everything, document everything, and makesure nothing was long lasting or permanent. I hated each minute of it.
The eye appointment hadn’t been fun, either. That device that blew air into my eyes would never be something I'd be willing to do again. I shuddered, remembering all too well how that puff of air nearly caused me to have a panic attack where Dawn had to talk me down.
It turned out, I did need glasses. My eyesight was horrible, but that could be a mixture of genetics and lack of nutrients. The glasses I picked out were a bit big, but at the same time I felt like I was able to hide behind them, despite being able to see things ten times better.
I never would have known that there were lines on the tall posts. Or the bird nests in the trees, and so many other things.
It was strange. Both to the fact that I could see, and that seeing made me get a headache by the end of the day that only sleep could cure.
Now, as I looked around the almost too bright of a waiting room for the next doctor I was to visit with, I wanted to disappear. I was pretty sure I wasn’t the only one who felt the same way. The older lady in the corner had her head down and tried to be as invisible as I wanted to be.
Taking a deep breath, I slipped my hands between my knees and tried to keep mythoughts on the small chest of toys or the brightly colored walls instead of why I was here.
Coming here out of all the doctors that Dawn had dragged me to would end up the worst. This one would expect me to talk. Expect me to add to the conversation. They’d be thoroughly disappointed. I wasn’t going to do anything but sit there and zone out.
I was good at that part, thankfully. Having years of practice of being yelled at before being used, or even during. I was good at just following simple commands. My brain knew when to pay attention and when it could just go blank.
“Koda?”
I looked up too quickly when my name was called, causing my vision to swim. It was certainly taking a bit of time to get used to the black frames that were on my face. The lady who called my name stood in a doorway that led to what looked like another hallway.
“I’ll be waiting right here for you, kiddo.” Dawn patted my shoulder as I stood. “I explained the whole not talking thing so don’t worry about it.”
Was I supposed to be thankful for that? I wasn’t so sure, mostly because I had no clue what she told some random lady about me.
I shouldn’t be worried about it, but a bigger part of me did. I couldn’t help butwonder if Dawn was tired of me, and wanted to tell someone else about how much of a disgrace I was. It was hard enough to try to accept the fact that there was nothing left for me to try to live for. That reason, if there even had been one, was buried deep in my past. No single person could possibly get me to see anything different.
I failed in looking back at Dawn as she sat down where I had just been. She gave me an encouraging smile while inside, all I wanted was her to come along too. Maybe hold my hand.
Surely, no fourteen-year-old should want an adult to hold their hand every single time they have a speeding heart.
Just another reason why I was so stupid. I was almost an adult, yet I couldn’t function well without one telling me what I had to do.
“Come on in, Koda.”
Everyone lately kept saying my name. A lot. Did they think I didn’t know what it was, like I was a dog who had just been given to a new family?
Pushing the thoughts away, I entered a much calmer colored room. The walls were a darker cream with black and white pictured animals. Two chairs, a bean bag off to the corner, and bookshelves with books and a few other things that I didn’t care to look at filled the room.
“Have a seat wherever. Or stand. Whatever you’re most comfortable with,” the lady shut the door behind her while I just stood there, arms wrapped around my midsection.
Being here in this room wasn’t comfortable. What I wanted was to leave, but I had a feeling that wasn’t an option.
The lady walked around me to take a seat in one of the chairs. The one that faced me and the door. The light cream pants creased as she crossed her legs, one white shoe dangling a bit off the floor.
“I’m Dr. Shaw,” she went on, letting me just stand there like a deer caught in headlights. “Your aunt told me a bit about your past. I’m very much aware of the fact that you refuse to talk. I’m not sure if that’s a physical issue due to injury, or it’s a choice. Either way, I can work around that. I don’t expect verbal answers. And even then, I have to earn your trust.”
I slowly looked up past her shoes, finding an open, caring face. Her black bob of hair was pinned back behind her ears, making her look older than she had to be, showcasing those green eyes.
“Today, like I told Dawn, is all about seeing if we are a good match. Not every therapist can work perfectly with every person. We may clash. I may give off vibes from someone in your past. Or it could be as simpleas my gut feeling that I wouldn’t be the best doctor to work with you. I hold no expectations today from what either of us will do going forward. This journey of healing will be all in your court.
“Myself, or any other doctor you see, can only do so much. The work is all on you. And sometimes, people just aren’t ready to heal from whatever they’ve been through.”
As she talked, her voice calm, I slowly shuffled towards the other chair.
