“How’s your stomach?”
“Be’er?” It wasn’t trying to expel its contents right then. My head leaned against his shoulder, eyes glossy as I tried, but failed, to look anywhere but at the mirror.
Beckett stood tall behind me, making me feel and look so much smaller than I already was. The top of my head barely reached the top of his shoulder, and I was like the size of him in width. My eyes were puffy, crusted tears on the edges, and cheeks red from crying and the long night.
My shoulders slumped. I wasn’t good. I never was, nor would I ever be.
Tears gathered again as I shut my eyes. I didn’t want to look at my failures so close to the surface. I didn’t want to see the defeat that I felt within.
It was bad enough as it was to just feel it. Seeing it made it seem more real, somehow.
“Tell me what’s wrong.” An order.
Beckett moved me so my back was towards the sink instead of him. I refused to lift my gaze to his face, instead staring at his bare toes. He even had perfectly shaped nails, trimmed and all.
“Asher?”
“Where’s Noah?” Noah was a safe topic to talk about. It was better than forcing myself to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.
“I sent him out to get some food. There’s not much here that is light and easy for you to eat.”
“Don’t need food.” Food was the last thing I wanted right then.
I wondered what it’d be like to fall to my knees right here, and possibly beg this man to take it all from me. Take the choices, the stress, and worries, everything, away. For just a bit. I wondered if it’d be as freeing as the blogs I’ve read said it was. I wondered if-
“What’s wrong? What do you need?”
Everything, I thought. It answered both questions way too easily. Instead of answering, I just blinked before lifting my gaze to his. Hopefully, he’d see what I couldn’t say. I wasn’t sure if there were even words I could say to explain what I needed at that moment.
Beckett looked at me, his eyes a mix of concern, acceptance, and longing that I didn’t quite understand, before he nodded to himself.
“Do you trust me? Enough for me to step in and take the control that you need?”
“Noah trusts you.” My answer was slow, but I did trust him if my friend did. Right now, that was all that mattered.
“I’ll have to take that I guess.” He paused long enough to reach around me, almost pushing me into the sink instead of just resting against it. But, he only grabbed a wash rag I hadn’t paid attention to, bringing it closer to my face. “I’m going to wash your face off, then you’ll do what I think is best for you. Use your safe words at any time.”
“Kay.” I could do that. Hopefully.
Beckett didn’t say anything else as he began to wash off my face. The fabric was soft against my skin, erasing the tear tracks and dried crust and possibly snot from my face. My eyes closed as he swiped the cloth over my eyelids, and I settled into the role I knew I needed.
If it was any other day, I’d have fought against the action, or his words. Even though I desperately wanted to give it all to him. Right now, I didn’t have the energy to try to pretend, though.
“...So good.” I didn’t catch what he was saying, drifting away as he cupped my cheek with a warm palm. I tilted my head into it, soaking up every bit of his touch that I could. “So beautiful.”
Chapter 40
“Daddy?” Noah’s voice followed him in through the door, which was clicked a bit harder than needed.
“Right here, Noah,” Beckett answered, yet he didn’t move. I wasn’t sure if it was because of me or something else.
I was currently leaning against his leg as he sat on the couch, one hand in my hair that kept me grounded. In my arms was the stuffed animal that Noah liked to sleep with. I wasn’t sure why I had grabbed it, but I had.
I had given up fighting; given up trying to think straight. At least for today. I’d do that all tomorrow, where I could second guess every little thing.
“Oh.” I didn’t try to open my eyes at Noah’s strange remark. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Or at least I didn’t think so. Beckett wouldn’t have let me stay where I was if my friend was going to have issues about it.
Worry about it later, I told myself with a deep breath.
