Finally, Beckett left, making sure the door was shut and locked. Noah took my untouched coffee from my hands, setting the mug into the sink before he was back in front of me. “We are gonna talk.”
Noah grabbed my hand, pulled me from the chair I was in, and led me to the couch. Once we were both settled, facing one another, Noah started. Maybe he knew I wouldn’t start talking, or offering details, or anything for that matter unless I was pushed. And sometimes even then, I glued my feet to the floor and still didn’t budge.
“Daddy says I should start off by saying I’m not mad at you, Ashie. I can’t ever be mad. Hurt, yes. But not mad.”
“I’m sorry.” I truly was.
“Why, though? Why were you pushing me away?” Noah’s eyes clouded in tears.
How was I to get that into an answer that made sense through the jumbled words?
I pulled a foot up under me, one knee pulled to my chest so I could wrap my arms around the limb. It gave me enough time to find the words that would make the most sense, but even then I wasn’t sure it’d answer his question well enough.
“You deserve to be happy. I didn’t want to be in the way of that. Beckett’s a good guy, and he’s tons better than all the other men you’ve tried to have a relationship with. I couldn’t stand in the way of something that could be good for you.”
“I can’t be happy without you, Asher. I can be with you and Beckett, and have everything I could ever want. Can’t you see that? I can’t live and be happy if you aren’t in my life. So get that thought out of your head.”
I cracked a small smile. “Neither can I. As you could see...” If the past few weeks didn’t show how well I failed at trying to push him away and locking away my heart at the same time, then I wasn’t sure what did. “I’m so sorry, Noah. I never wanted to hurt you. Well, I did, but not like this. I...I think I was sort of jealous too. How easy you got it with Beckett, who adores you and gives you what you need.”
“You can have what you need, too. Beckett will help.”
I gave him a watery smile. “Beckett is your’s, No-No. I can’t take him away from you. Even if there’s some part of me that wants him in ways I shouldn’t.”
“I’ll share.”
I dropped my chin to the top of my knee, knowing he would. It was something I could never ask of him. Of either of them.
“I’ll find someone when the time is right.” Maybe eventually.
“You...” Noah trailed off for a second in thought. “You mentioned you want things that I wouldn’t understand. Why?”
“I don’t know why I want some things. The urge to kneel and submit to another. The desire to let someone have control over certain things. I just don’t know. Maybe it has to do with how much pain I went through. Maybe it has to do with what I’ve read and know the power it’d give me. I really don’t know.”
I knew submitting to another person really gave the power to the sub. Sure, a dom would have power just as much, but I had the way to stop things if I didn’t want to do anything.
“Or, maybe it’s just that. Ideas. But when I do something I thought I wanted, it could go horribly wrong. Don’t get me wrong,” I shifted again, pulling both legs up against my chest, “I really like the idea of consent-non-consent, but in reality, I don’t think I’d deal with that well. I’ve been raped, Noah. Many times. I’ve suffered with not being heard. I’ve known pain, and touch, and a lot of bad things.”
“You don’t talk about that time,” Noah stated, for once not pushing.
“No. But it always follows me anyway.” I sighed, setting my cheek on my knees and looking away from Noah. I knew what I’d say next would make him hurt. Not because it was mean, but because it was my past.
After a second, I started. I told Noah how I came to be in the hands of monsters. How men forced me to kneel and do sexual favors. How if I misbehaved, my food was taken away. I explained how I was kept in a room full of other boys like me, who I had to watch being torn apart by men who wanted to hurt boys of all ages.
I told him more than I should, but somehow, my voice stayed strong. Few people knew of my past, and I preferred it that way. It wasn’t something that needed to be talked about, but for Noah, I would.
“Oh, Asher.” I didn’t get any other warning before Noah all but wrapped me in his arms. My legs were stuck in between us, as were my arms. So all I could do was lay my forehead on his shoulder and breathe him in. “You’re not broken. I know you’ve said it a lot. But you are just a human. One I love. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that. I love you, Asher. Please, never push me away ever again.”
“Promise.” My voice gave out, tears pooling from my eyes.
Chapter 48
Noah and I ended up taking a nap and cuddled up on the couch. There had been too many tears, not enough words, and too many things left unsaid between us for too long. Weeks really did feel like a lifetime in certain instances.
I was a fool for thinking I could push him away. Stupid, even. I should have known that Noah and I were always together, through thick and thin. We didn’t have to share every deep, dark secret to know that it’d take more than me trying to push him away to break us apart.
I’d never be able to apologize enough for my actions. Not just to Noah, but Beckett too. I had been rude to both of them, more than once. And that wasn’t who I wanted to be.
Beckett had come back to the apartment, right as Noah had started to grumble about starving to death. The smell of pizza and breadsticks wafted through the door when Beckett entered, not bothering to knock.
