This week had been horrible, and I guess it was going to keep on that path. I wasn’t sure if my life could get any worse, but I also wasn’t going to test that theory.
I knew for a fact that my life could get worse. Monsters weren’t always going to just lurk in the darkness. They tended to come when I least expected them to.
“Love you Ashier.”
“Love you,” I mumbled, not sure my words came out at all. But I assumed so as Noah pushed even closer to me.
“Never, ever, do that again. You can’t push me away, no matter what.”
All I could manage was to squeeze him where my arm was wrapped around his.
I did feel bad that I hurt him. But Noah was also not supposed to call Beckett or stay here. He was supposed to leave me alone, to forget about me.
I guess I really was going to be stuck with him. Forever.
“Daddy?” Noah’s voice was soft, barely there, like he didn’t want to wake me. I should be asleep, but a part of my brain was still aware of what was going on around me. I didn’t hear Beckett’s reply, if there was one before the boy lying on my chest spoke again. “He wants to kneel. And to be roped up. And...other things.”
“We’ll figure that out on another day, little one.”
“He needs you. Not Oscar.” It was said in a way that gave no leeway for any other options.
“We’ll talk about it later, Noah.”
“But-“
“Noah.” He sighed against me as the name was spoken in a warning.
I may not know what I needed or wanted right at that moment, but as long as I had Noah, nothing else mattered.
I had been so stupid. Thinking I could push him away. It tore me apart, and my heart was still broken. My words towards him hurt me more than him, I think. But even then, I owed him more than just cuddles. More than my life.
Noah was my other half, and I regret hurting him.
***
With a steaming cup of coffee between my hands, I couldn’t bring myself to look at Noah, or Beckett for that matter.
I wouldn’t even understand how they could still want to be near me after the words I had yelled, or the actions I had taken. I also wouldn’t ever figure out why anyone in my life kept trying to save me. Save me from the past. Save me from the monsters that wanted to pull me under the water. Save me from me.
I wouldn’t be savable, despite how much Noah thought I was. I broke things; I broke people. I didn’t deserve anyone to care about me.
“Asher?” I slowly looked up, forgetting I was trying not to look at Beckett. But by the time my eyes met his across the small kitchen, it was too late to remember why. “I’m going to leave you and Noah for a few hours. You are to talk. I’ll come back if Noah sends me a text if you try to push him away again like you’ve been doing.”
“Kay.” At the moment, I had no plans to do such things. Pushing Noah away was only hurting me more.
And I was so tired of hurting.
“We’ll figure out what to do after that. I’ll bring dinner when I come back.”
“Kay.” Again, only one-word answers from me.
“Do you have anything you need from me before I go?” Beckett asked again. It felt like he wanted to step closer to me, but he held himself back.
I shook my head. I didn’t think so. I didn’t exactly have anything going through my head right then.
“Alright. Then I’ll be back in a few hours.”
“We’ll be fine, Daddy,” Noah spoke quietly.
