Or what? I almost spoke that instead of keeping it inside my head. “Watch what? Watch the way I was sold at the age of eleven to a group of men. Watch the way I was taken with no one caring how much it hurt. Watching how I was forced to take drugs at the age of fourteen when I was sold once again, this time to some guy who died in jail after I was saved? Watch the way I was used, abused, and taken ten ways to Sunday by countless men where I lost my voice and my freedoms. Or am I to watch my best friend fall in love with a man while I will forever be sitting back and feeling left out because I know I can’t have that?” I paused, taking a deep. It got stuck in my chest, causing me to shove Noah away as panic set in.
Crap.
My tears welled as my throat constricted against me.
“Asher, darnlin’,” Beckett was there, kneeling once more before me.
I shook my head. I didn’t know what I needed, and I wanted it all to just freaking end.
“I’m gonna touch you, okay?”
Somewhere, I heard Noah calling my name, muttering something, but his voice went in one ear and out the other.
With watery eyes, I looked at Beckett helplessly. I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t. Could he see that, as I fought with my breath to work with me?
“Always remember the safe words. Always,” Beckett reminded me as he inched closer, pressing his knees against my feet that were on the floor. I didn’t get time to figure out what he meant before a hand lightly grasped my neck. It was barely there, but the heat and the strength were enough for my mind to give up, to let someone else figure out my issues.
“There ya go. Breath again. In. Out.”
I followed Beckett’s order, eyes not leaving his, as my hands fell away, letting him control my body.
After what felt like forever, my breathing leveled out and the tears cleared enough I could see again.
“Good boy, darlin’,” he soothed, moving his thumb against the side of my neck. “Again.”
I breathed in deep, letting the air hold in my lungs for a second before I released it in a rush.
“Here, Daddy.” Noah held something, but I couldn’t move my eyes from Beckett’s. I was scared. Scared that the panic was going to come back. Scared that I was still going to die. Scared that I couldn’t keep breathing.
“Thanks,” Beckett turned back to me. “Open.” I opened my mouth, feeling a pill hit my tongue. While I should refuse it, knowing how well they didn’t agree with me, I didn’t want to be in charge right now. “Drink.” Next, a bottle of cold water was put to my lips, and with Beckett’s help, I did as ordered.
Once Beckett seemed to think I was settled enough, he released his light hold on me. Instantly, I felt cold, wanting it back.
Whatever he saw in my expression made him soften his look even more as Beckett cupped the side of my face.
“You’re not broken. And you are not nothing.” How could he know what my thoughts had been about for the last few hours? “We’ll readdress some of what you said later. But to be clear, you are not unlovable. Noah adores you, and can’t ever stop talking about you. He is nothing without you, Asher. How can you possibly not see how much he looks up to you? Believe me, I’d be happy to step back so the two of you can have some sort of relationship, but it seems like one of you is pretty clueless about what the other feels.”
All I could do was blink. He didn’t make any sense. It didn’t help that he scooted back, so he was not sitting on the floor in front of me, but not touching.
A part of my brain wondered what it’d be like if I just crawled into his lap like Noah did to me. Would Beckett let me? Would he push me away? Would it make Noah jealous?
“Noah’s a friend?” Right? Was he still my friend? Or had I succeeded in pushing him away finally?
“Always, Ashie.” With those words, Noah sat beside me, side against side. His breath washed over my exposed throat, which caused me to shiver slightly.
“Now, before that pill sets in, I think you two need to kiss and make up. Then we’ll go to bed and talk some more tomorrow.”
“What?” I spluttered. Did he really mean kiss? As in, our lips touching the other’s?
No. That was crazy.
“Okay.” Noah easily agreed while my mind spun.
“Sorry?” I was sorry. For tons of things, but that was the only work I could get out.
“I’m going to go get the bedroom ready.” Beckett stood, looking over Noah and me once more before his steps led him out of sight.
“He can’t...Noah?” We’ve never crossed that line. Ever. I...just...no?
