Not wanting to dwell on it any longer, I slipped from the pile of blankets. My feet didn’t make a sound as I shuffled towards the bathroom. There, after closing the door as softly as I possibly could, did what needed to be done? Peeing, washing hands and face, and then just standing there lost in thought.
It was so easy to lose track of time. At least it felt like the white pills were out of my system. There wasn’t any lasting nausea or fogginess. My legs held my weight, although they were weak due to lack of proper sleep. And possibly hunger.
I had brief flashes of eating here and there, either soup or toast. And lots of water. But I couldn’t recall how much I had of anything.
The moment of taking a bath was there, too. That one was prominent among the other things. Beckett had been there, washing me and not once taking more than what I was able to give.
Dropping my chin to my chest, I forced thoughts away again. I couldn’t let my mind wander to more things I wanted.
After finishing in the bathroom, and ignoring my reflection, I made sure to shut the light off before quietly making my way back towards the living room.
There, Noah hadn’t moved an inch. He was one of the few who slept like the dead, and after however long it took my anxiety attack to pass this time, I’m sure he hadn’t slept well at all.
Forgoing food for now, even as my stomach grumbled in protest, I crawled back to where I had woken up. The spot was a bit sweaty, and I made a mental note to get the blankets washed come daylight.
Laying on my side, I watched Noah’s back rise with each breath he took. The whispered words between the two of them echoed in my mind.
Was I fighting a lost cause here? Noah didn’t need me to push him towards a man he was falling in love with. That, I got easily after the last couple of days.
I knew I kept going back and forth, and I was still pretty sure Noah would be better off without me. I couldn’t be the third wheel. I refused to come in between the two of them. But, the stubborn boy was going to hang on and drag me into things with Beckett.
It wasn’t going to be worth it to fight it all the time. But there had to be lines somewhere. I just didn’t know where those lines needed to be to keep me from falling into more wants and needs that I couldn’t have.
Chapter 43
I felt eyes on me before my own were opened. I kept my breathing even, hoping to get just a few more minutes. My mind was wide awake already; it had been for quite some time.
I had heard Beckett get up and move around, starting breakfast in the kitchen maybe ten minutes ago. And now, Noah was no doubt staring at me. Something he did often to wake me up if he wasn’t able to push himself into my hold.
“Are you awake?” Noah’s whispered question was just loud enough to not travel through the living room. He was close enough that his breath wafted over my face. At least he had brushed his teeth.
“No,” I answered just as quietly but moved an arm to sling over his hip.
At my touch, Noah pushed into my hold, wrapping his leg around mine like always.
“I said not to wake him.” Beckett’s displeasure of not being listened to was strong enough to cause Noah to whine against me before he slowly pulled back enough.
“He was awake, Daddy. I swear. I didn’t touch him till then.”
Would there be a point in saying I was woken up by the boy staring at me? Instead of speaking, I peeled my eyes open, coming to face the top of Noah’s head and crazy hair.
“Somehow, I don’t believe that.” Beckett paused, stepping closer. “Morning, darlin’. How are you doing?”
“Still here.” Alive, but feeling better. My thoughts weren’t as groggy, and I was hungry. Also, a shower sounded like a great place to be next, once I could untangle myself from Noah, who happened to bury his head into my chest again.
“Breakfast is about ready. Simple, easy foods. I wasn’t sure how your stomach would be this morning.”
“It’s better.” It gurgled loudly at my words.
Beckett let his lips twist up in a smile, either at my words or the noise my stomach gave off. It made him look...nope. Wasn’t going there.
I tore my gaze from the man, not wanting to feel the attraction to someone who wasn’t available. He was Noah’s.
“I’ll...uh...yeah.” I pushed myself to sit, still somehow with Noah wrapped around me. His arms wound their way around my torso, hanging on for dear life. “You gotta let go, sweetheart.”
It took a moment for Noah to release me, pulling back enough so I could stand. Once I got my feet under me, I refused to look at either of the two before making my way towards the bathroom.
Knowing I didn’t have enough time for a shower just yet, I peed and tried not to think about Beckett, of all the people, who had to help me to get certain bodily functions to work. It wasn’t helping some small problems when I noticed what pants I had on.
