My thoughts were broken as Noah shifted, laying his head in Beckett’s lap. I shifted, too, then, making sure that Noah would be able to see the TV. I lay down, staring blankly at the screen for a few minutes before my dry eyes demanded I shut them.
Even with my breathing even, and sleep tugging away from the world, I didn’t go all the way under. My mind was a mess; my emotions trying to war with what I wanted and knew I shouldn’t have. My body ached, and thoughts demanded my attention.
I wasn’t ready. I wanted to cry, fight, demand even, for the thoughts to just let me be for a little while longer.
Would I ever get to have someone who cared about my well-being day and night? Would there be a person who would be willing to try to understand my crazy needs, knowing what I needed before I did? Would I get to find any sort of peace to calm the need inside of me?
So many questions, yet there were no answers. There wouldn’t be any time soon, either. The deep, dark part of me did know the true answers. I wouldn’t get a happy ending. I’d have to sit back and watch my best friend fall in love with another. I’d have to watch them together at gatherings and lose a part of myself in the process.
I’d rather lose myself than lose Noah, though. There was no compromise to that. Ever. Noah was my everything, and to make him happy, I had to sit back and let things go.
Maybe in time, I’d get what was after, but I highly doubted it. I was destined to be alone. Destined to live a miserable life filled with anxiety.
“I don’t wanna lose him, Daddy.” Noah’s voice reached me like it often did.
Were we thinking of the same things? Were we possibly that in tune with one another? Or was Noah just talking about something else?
“You won’t. I’ll do everything I can to make sure nothing comes between the two of you, little one.” Beckett’s voice was quiet.
“That’s easier said than done. He’s stubborn.”
Okay, maybe they were talking about me then. It wasn’t my fault.
“From the little bit of info you’ve shared, I wouldn’t expect anything less. I know he doesn’t trust easily, nor would I expect it. I’ll push him, but if he uses the safe words, I’ll have to back off, Noah. But our relationship between you and me won’t break the one you have with him. You need him as much as he needs you. The past couple of days have shown that and more.”
“But what if does? Break, I mean? I’m not that strong.”
Neither was I, I thought. I was great at pretending when I needed to. And for the most part, I seemed well put together. It was only when the monsters tried to sink their claws into me that I couldn’t hold onto that foundation any longer.
“We’ll make it through if fate wants us to. The three of us will. Asher may not even know what it could be like if he gave up just a tiny bit of that power he keeps a tight hold on.”
What did he mean by that? I had no power. I only had my walls that needed to get put back into place before it was too late.
“I...I don’t know if he even wants what I could offer, sweetheart. Just because he liked rope one time doesn’t mean he’ll want more. Or even to kneel and serve. I’m a complicated man who enjoys many different aspects of the lifestyle, but not everyone can handle that.”
“Well, I can.” Noah’s voice was a bit louder, and Beckett was quick to shush him.
“You are one of the few. I love that I get to be your daddy. But I also know something is missing. You’ve said so yourself. That something is right there, and I want to think in time, we’ll get it all sorted out.”
“If you say so.” I could hear the pout from my friend.
If sleep wasn’t pulling me under so well, I’d have turned over or said something. I’m not sure what, but I knew I should.
“I’m Daddy, so yes, I do say so.”
***
The TV was low, lighting up the darkened living room. The changes of color flashed through my closed lids.
I didn’t want to move, yet my bladder was demanding my attention. And for once, I wasn’t being held hostage by a warm body on either side of me.
Forcing my eyes open to figure out exactly why I wasn’t being used as a human pillow, I found Noah cuddled up with Beckett inches away. His back was to me, a mop of hair blocking Beckett’s chest.
I knew how it was to have Noah in my arms, holding on tight even in sleep. I knew how his body heat felt like against mine on both the hottest night of the year and the coldest. I knew his breaths, and how they’d ghost along my naked chest.
Strange enough, I was okay with that. Okay with Noah cuddling up to another man that wasn’t me. There was no jealousy. There was longing, though. I wanted to be the one that was being held against a much bigger form. Not that it was hard to be bigger than me. But to feel a set of strong arms wrapped around me, knowing I was safe from every little thing that could ever want to harm me.
I sighed, feeling it deep in my soul. It was just another thing that’d be added to the growing list of desires that wouldn’t be explored or soothed.
