“You say he’s safe, so it can wait.” I busied myself bouncing my niece on my knee in an effort to push back the questions and worries that plagued my mind. I feared that if I opened the envelope and came face-to-face with Judah, I’d break down.
And that was the last thing I needed while I was visiting my family.
“At least make sure it’s the right person,” Theo huffed as he picked up the envelope and pulled out a picture, handing it to me.
It took more effort than I wanted to admit to hide my shaking hand as I took the thin piece of paper and held it far enough away that Lilly couldn’t grab a hold of it. Even though the picture was grainy, the brown eyes, floppy hair, and boyish features were unmistakable.
Kid.
While his cheeks were more defined than I recalled them being in our dingy cell, I had no doubt it was him. I’d have recognized those eyes anywhere.
I cleared my throat, feeling it clog with an emotion I couldn’t quite name. “That’s Judah,” I muttered, blinking back the tears that threatened to fall as my thoughts ran wild.I can’t believe Theo found him. Three goddamn years I’d been searching for him. And here he was, still just a kid.
“He’s been in town for a couple of years,” Theo supplied. “This is his address,” he tapped the papers still tucked inside the envelope. “Seems content from what I can tell.”
My heart beat erratically as I carefully slipped the picture back into the envelope and cleared my throat.He’s fine. The kid is fine,I repeated to myself over and over.He’s safe and he’s healthy.He’s free.Though despite knowing he was safe, I couldn’t shake the fear that his mind was as dark as my own these days. I certainly hoped that wasn’t the case. But if it was, I knew we’d both better off to never see one another again.
The kid’s picture burned through the envelope, begging me to pull it out and memorize every line on his face. By some miracle, I somehow managed to control the urge to do just that using what little patience remained within.
I need to get out of here. I need to go back to my place and fret over it, along with everything else in my life.Knowing that wasn’t an option, I shifted my attention back to Theo as he rambled on about sleepless nights and poopy diapers. Such normal things compared the horrors I’d had to endure on a nightly basis for over two months.
“Are you even listening to me?” he asked, studying my expression.
“Of course, I’m listening! You were talking about how Lilly is getting a tooth in and crying all night.” At least I thought that’s what he’d said.
“Where are you at, brother? I know you’ve been through hell, but––”
“Don’t you dare lecture me,” I hissed, lowering my voice so we didn’t draw attention to ourselves. “You’ve seen things too, so I know you can understand that much.”
“And that’s what therapy is for.” His clipped words were low in his chest.
“Therapy is for shitheads. Not me. I’m dealing.”
“Boys––” I held my breath when I felt my dad’s hand clasp my shoulder. It seemed that ever since I’d returned to the land of living, everyone was constantly walking on eggshells around me. It was as if they were frightened that I’d flip out. While I hadn’t done so yet, even I wasn’t confident that it wouldn’t happen; that one of these days I would do what they feared most.
I’d end it all.
I had my coping methods. Granted, no one in my family knew what they were, nor would they approve of them. But they were my own…like a personal secret that helped me to get through the days. Speaking of which, it was about that time again. I could feel the itch of needing the release
“How about we leave this issue for another day,” my father grunted, letting us know that it wasn’t a suggestion.
“But––”
“Fine with me.” Keeping Lilly tucked against my hip, I stood, ignoring my father’s concerned expression. “I’m gonna go get something to drink,” I snapped, knowing I wouldn’t punch my brother with the small child in my arms.
“You need a girl,” Dannie stated, walking up beside me. “That’d probably cool you off.”
“You’re like what––seventeen? How would you know about that shit?”
“I’ve had sex! Geez, man!” I could practically hear his eye roll. “And didn’t you have a girlfriend or something?”
“I did.” Not that it was of any of his concern.
“Well, call her.”
“Uh, I’ll pass on that.”No, thank you. I would never be willing to call that woman again.
“Can I call her then?” Dannie burst into laughter.
