“You’ve forgiven him, then?”
“Yes,” I said. I forgave him a long time ago. I just hoped he believed that I had.
“You haven’t told him that, yet, have you?” I shook my head. “He’s not making you do anything you don’t want to do, correct?”
“God, no.”
“I had to ask,” she said, giving me a tight smile.
“He’s never lifted a finger towards me. He actually saved me from being raped by one of the men that worked for my…Ace. I was stabbed, and nearly died, again, that night.” It wasn’t very long after I arrived at Ace’s house, but I could remember the all-consuming panic that night.
“You also lost a baby that night,” Dr. Mayes said. “How does that make you feel?”
“I didn’t want it,” I said, blinking quickly as an emotion I didn’t want to face began to bubble up. One hand went to my chest, clenching an invisible force that pressed against my heart.
“Why is that?”
“There’s no way I could ever be a parent. Not with the way Alan treated me. I don’t know love, or how to take care of someone else. I don’t want a kid now, nor then. I wasn’t in the best mental or physical health at that time. I also couldn’t stand the idea of letting someone else, a complete stranger, raise any offspring from me. So I would have done what needed to be done to get rid of it. And no, I wouldn’t go back in the past and change it.”
“Does your family feel the same about that?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t asked and no one has said a thing about it.”
“Do you see any children in the future?” she asked.
“No,” I said, my voice non-negotiable.
“What if it happens?”
“It won’t,” I said through clenched teeth. I’d make sure of it. I would go on birth control if need be. Something, anything, to not let it ever happen.
“But it will be possible, you know. When you start to have a sexual relationship.”
“That won’t happen, either. No one will want me that way. I don’t think I’ll ever want sex. How can I after everything?”
“Time and the support of loved ones really changes that view of things,” she said gently. “You will one day. Just as one day you’ll walk back in here and tell me all of your accomplishments.”
My soul yearned for that, but I knew it was as far away as the sun. I would never be able to reach out and grab it. I wanted nothing more than to live up to what everyone hoped I would be, someday after I got past all this crap.
“Your life, everything you have gone through, is like a flower. A tulip, but more precious,” Dr. Mayes said.
“How?” I squinted my eyes at her, confused. I let my hand drop from my chest to my lap. “Well, like a tulip, you were first born. You knew of the love, hope, and protectiveness that you should have always known. You were showered with love and everything you needed to survive in this world. Like the flower, you grew, knowing what to expect.
“Then, as the seasons changed, you became aware of how cruel the world can be. You were sheltered by a monster. He tore you down, piece by piece until he got what he wanted, or at least almost everything.
“Then, like spring making everything grow, you started to become something beautiful once more. You found your footing, figuring out how life can be a horrible place, but to be able to overcome the harshness of it.
“You sit here today, in front of me, blooming like a bright tulip that can take over the entire garden. Sure, life will throw its curves at you like the changing of seasons does to any flower, but just like the tulips, you can grow back, becoming more of whatever you want to be each time.”
She paused, letting the words soak in before continuing.
“Over the summer, I have seen so much change in you; all good, by the way. You can handle whatever life hits you with as you stand with both of your feet firmly on the ground. No wind can knock you down, Scarlett.”
“I don’t feel that strong right now,” I said, moving my eyes away as they began to water.
“I bet if I asked your friend out there, he’d see the same thing as I do. You have already come so far in such a short time. Truly, Scarlett, you have. Don’t doubt yourself.”
I couldn’t help but do so. The past few days had been hard to keep on pushing through.
