“Zeek…” Theo was clearly shocked by his brethren’s harsh words. And if I were being completely honest, so was I.
“Go home, Theo.”
Ezekiel
Fuck.
I took a deep breath, refusing to look at the now cracked mirror. My knuckles were bleeding, but the pain did nothing to calm the storm raging inside of me. Hanging my head, hands wrapped around the lip of the counter, I allowed the blood to drip to the floor.
Anger. Disappointment. Shame. Misery. They all swirled like a tornado inside me. As soon as one would end, the next would begin. And in my current state of mind, there was no way for me to separate them and focus on one at a time.
“Zeek?”
Of course, he’d hear,I inwardly groaned as Judah opened the door and stepped inside the small space with me.
He didn’t even bother to ask what happened. There was no point. Instead, he pried my hand from the counter’s edge and took a long look at the damage.
“No glass. That’s good.”
I shrugged, not really caring if there were. I just wanted the feelings to stop. And I knew the only way that was going to happen was to end it all, which I’d failed miserably at, or by feeling the pain.
“Come on. Let me help you get cleaned up.”
“I was––”
“Gonna take a shower––yeah, I know. Let me help you.” It wasn’t a question, just instruction–instructions I could actually follow.
I stood, watching, leaning against the counter as Judah moved to the shower and set the temperature. While waiting for the water to warm, he turned around to face me.
“No talking, okay?” he instructed. When I nodded, he continued. “I’ll take care of you. The only thing I want you to do is feel.” His words took the breath from my lungs. I could only assume he’d seen something in my gaze that I didn’t even know I needed.
“I don’t wanna feel.” The words came out as more of a whine, not at all me.
“I know, babe. But you need to feel. All I want you to do is focus on me. Can you do that?”
I nodded.
Without a word, Judah carefully pulled me into the shower and positioned my body under the spray. I closed my eyes as the water ran over the top of my head and down my body, turning when I was told.
A groan escaped me as Judah pulled my body back against his and began washing my hair, pausing for several minutes to massage my scalp. When he’d finished, he urged my body forward and ran his fingers through my hair, ensuring he thoroughly rinsed the suds from my wet locks.
Doing as he’d instructed prior to getting in the shower, I didn’t speak a word. Oddly, it allowed me to let go. To forget.
Or so I thought.
I hadn’t even realized I was crying until I felt Judah wipe away the tears streaming down my face.How much could one man cry at any given time? Surely, I had to be out of tears by now?I was numb and felt completely empty.
Will this pain I feel ever end?
Once he’d finished washing the soap from my body, Judah switched places with me and quickly washed himself, his eyes never leaving mine. When he was finished, he twisted the nobs, shutting off the water before stepping out to wrap a towel around his waist. Then, using another towel, he ran it over my head and tenderly wrung my hair out before wiping every drop of water from my skin.
I knew I should have pushed him away and told him to leave before I dragged him down to Hell with me, but I couldn’t. Instead, I stood there and allowed him dry me with more care than I deserved. Call it selfish, but Judah was the only thing keeping me upright–the only thing keeping me alive. And I was going to cling to that until my inevitable fall reared its ugly head again.
Judah studied me carefully when I didn’t make any move to get dressed. “Are you able to get dressed on your own?” he questioned, pulling me from my thoughts.
I nodded.
I moved on autopilot as I got dressed, keeping Judah in my sights. For the moment, he was the only one keeping the demons away and I feared that if I took my eyes off of him, even if only for a moment, I’d crash again. I knew this feeling wouldn’t last and I would eventually fall. I also knew that when that time came, I’d end up right where I’d been before with my original plan. It was only a matter of time.
