“I wasn’t eating. I wasn’t sleeping. And talking…you could forget that. It was by sheer chance that Eli had been driving home and saw me. At the time, he didn’t know me all that well. Still, he stopped and he talked me down from that same ledge you found yourself. Safely tucked inside his car, he promptly drove me to a mental ward where I was held for the next three days. My bleeding forearm was the obvious indication that I didn’t want to be saved at that point in time. Not really, anyway.” This time, it was my turn to let the tears fall.
I hated thinking about how low I’d gotten. It took me months to get past it. But even that did nothing to hide the abundance of thin scars that decorated my wrists, a tiny reminder of just how far I’d come.
“I had fallen so far and had no will to live anymore, so I quit eating. I didn’t want to feel anything anymore. I just wanted it all to end. When I quit eating, the facility decided to hold for another few days. They deemed I was still a danger to myself.”
I shook my head, my voice barely above a whisper as I continued. “It was almost to the point that I needed a feeding tube. You have no idea how ashamed I was that I’d allowed myself to get to that point. I didn’t want to live, Zeek. I had nothing and no one. My parents still didn’t want anything to do with me. You were the only person in the entire world I wanted, the only person I thought could help. The only problem was that I thought you were dead. I was barely getting by. I suffered, still do. But what I came to learn–thanks to my therapist–is that depression will follow us both wherever we go because of what we experienced. However, that doesn’t mean we need to do it alone.”
“Jude…” he couldn’t finish as he was at a loss for words.
“I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to constantly be depressed and feel defeated. My God, Zeek. I can’t lose you. Can’t you see…you’re everything to me? If you––” I had to stop and take a deep breath in order to get my emotions under control.
“I’m sorry you had to see me like that.” Zeek’s voice was quiet, his breath flitting across my lips like a cool afternoon breeze. “You weren’t even supposed to be there.”
“But I was! Don’t ever do that again. Please,” I cried, my voice pleading.
This time, he was the one to pull me into his body, hugging me flush against his front. I tucked my face into his shoulder, breathing in deeply. I knew it wouldn’t help the situation if I started to sob, so I did my best to choke back the tears. I was so tired of crying, and surely, Zeek had to feel the same.
“Why were you there anyway?” Zeek finally managed.
“Theo.”
He froze as his brother’s name fell from my lips. “Is he still here?”
I nodded.
I nearly suggested that Theo go home and get some rest–that I would call him as soon as Zeek was awake–but I also knew it would be pointless. Just the look on his face last night told me that he wouldn’t be leaving this house until his brother woke. He wanted to make ensure that Zeek remained in bed.
That he remained alive.
After giving him one more tight hug, Zeek rolled over and climbed out of bed. I didn’t want to suffocate him, so I made sure I gave him some space. Besides, I was fairly certain he didn’t want me looking over his shoulder while he peed.
While Zeek dressed and collected himself, I made my way downstairs to start a mug of coffee. I stepped into the kitchen and found Theo sitting at the kitchen table. He looked up and gave me a nod in greeting before turning back to look at his phone.
Deep down, we both knew that Zeek wasn’t okay. And he wasn’t going to be okay after just a few hours. This thing that he was going through…it was going to take a lot of hard work on all of our parts. But I knew we could do it,
When Zeek joined us in the kitchen a short while later, I had his mug of coffee ready. Without a word, I handed it to him and then pointed towards the table where Theo still sat, phone in hand.
He gave me a defeated look, but shuffled over to the table and sat down anyway. Theo took tucked his phone away, his eyes studying his brother. I didn’t want to be a distraction, so I opted to remain near the coffee pot, sipping on my own mug of hot liquid.
“How are you feeling?” Theo questioned, trying his best to keep his voice calm and collected.
“Like you care,” Zeek muttered around the lip of his mug.
“I just want to help, Zeek. You can’t keep doing this to yourself and everyone else.”
“Bet your fucking ass that I can!”
Theo closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened them a moment later, I could see the fire blazing in their depths. “My patience is runningverythin right now. I strongly suggest you do your best to not test that line,” he ground out.
“And if I don’t? What are you gonna do about it, big brother? Are you gonna watch my every move? Oh wait, you already fucking do that!” Zeek shouted, his anger finally bubbling forth. “You don’t trust me and you never will.”
“I never said that.”
“You don’t need to. I’ve seen the way you watch me ever since I returned. It shouldn’t really come as much of a surprise that you bugged my car in order to keep tabs on me. Who the fuck knows what else you’ve managed to bug.”
“I––”
“Save the bullshit, Theo!” Zeek stood, anger rolling off of him in waves. “Just leave. You aren’t welcome here anymore.”
