“Just me, sweet girl.” Zevon. His voice was gentle, quiet, as he pulled me against him. “I got you.”
I pressed my face into his side, willing my breaths to even out.
“You got this,” he soothed. “You’ve done this so many times, this one is a piece of cake.”
As he talked, my breathing slowly became normal. My heart found its normal beat. I sniffed, dejected at myself for letting my panic take me under.
“There ya go,” Zevon said, rubbing a hand down my back. “See, that wasn’t bad.”
“Here,” Dr. Mayes said, pressing a tissue into my hand.
Slowly, and with weak arms, I pushed myself slightly away from his side and blew my nose. I kept my eyes down afterwards.
“Do you want Zevon to stay in here?” Dr. Mayes asked, her tone soft, yet firm.
“He can stay,” I said quietly.
“Let’s talk about what triggered your attack,” she said after a moment.
“Do we have to?” I nearly whined.
“Yes,” she laughed lightly. “Caesar. So, why do you not like to talk about him?”
“I don’t know.”
“All right, then tell me. Why do you fear him?”
“I don’t.”
“Scarlett,” Dr. Mayes said, leaning forward in her chair. “You know better than to lie to me here. It won’t do you any good.”
“I don’t fear him, exactly,” I said, my voice weak. “I just…don’t trust him.”
“Makes sense,” she said. “You were raised to always fear the father figure in your life. And now, having one that would never dream of raising a hand to you contradicts what you thought you knew. Fathers have a tough time to raise any child, least of all one that was missing for so long. I bet he feels the same way about you.”
“He doesn’t talk to me. And he’s…I don’t know. Big?”
“Hmmm,” she said. “That’s not the right word, but I think I can enlighten you here a bit.” She waited for me to meet her eyes before she continued. “All you have known is a man who has a say over everything you do in every second of the day. You were led to believe that Alan was your father, and now that you know he wasn’t, the man whoistakes that fatherly role in your mind—as he should. But with the abuse you suffered, your mind is trained to expect Caesar to hate you as much as Alan did. This is one of those times that mind of matter takes effect.
“It will take time for your mind to accept that Caesar isn’t anything like Alan,” she went on. “You don’t remember anything good about the man who helped to create you, since you were so young.”
“It’s not just my mind that hates him,” I said, feeling tears gathering. “I feel nothing but loathing towards the man. He hasn’t made an effort to be a part of my life, like everyone else has. He keeps his distance, and I’m fine with that.” But was I really?
“No you aren’t,” Zevon said from beside me. “You fear anyone who seems powerful. I’ve seen how you respond to anyone who appears to have any hard appeal to them. You do it on instinct, sweet girl. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Oh.” I hadn’t noticed.
“Do you think you’d be up to talking to your father here in this room sometime?”
“Maybe?” I wanted to say hell no, but that wouldn’t accomplish anything.
“Relationships are hard, even harder with what happened to you,” Dr. Mayes went on. “They will all take time. Some longer than others. It’s all a process to figure out a new way to live and make new relationships.”
“I can be here, too,” Zevon said, squeezing my hand.
“Thanks,” I said, not sure what I wanted. I didn’t want to drag him into more of my issues.
“You two have a great connection,” Dr. Mayes commented. “It’s refreshing to see. Most survivors have trouble letting anyone in their bubble. But it sounds like you two have worked through most issues, and the bond you have is one of a kind.”
