I didn’t even bother putting a movie into the DVD player, instead just turning on the TV to some history channel. I wrapped a light blanket across my shoulders before sitting with my back against the end of the couch.
“Tell me what’s going on,” Zevon asked after finishing cleaning up the mess. He took a seat beside me. Gently, he swept some hair from the side of my face.
“I’m just so tired.”
“I know that. Why?”
“The memories of everything. I can’t get it to stop. Every time I close my eyes, I see things I don’t want to remember. My nightmares place me back there, with Alan, and sometimes my stupid mind makes him look like you or Dominic. And even Peyton. I can’t take it anymore, Zevs. I can’t,” I said, tears falling freely. “It has to stop, but I don’t know what to do to make it all go away. Talking isn’t helping.”
“I think it’s called PTSD,” he said. “It’s normal for what you’ve been through.”
“But I can’t get it to stop. And not getting sleep isn’t helping me with the other issues going on. I want to cut. So fucking bad. I feel like utter shit and there isn’t a thing that can help.” I paused. “Maybe I deserve to be back there, to remember that pain after everything I’ve done.”
“You’ve done nothing wrong, Scarlett,” Zevon said, placing his palms on my cheeks. “Listen to me. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“I killed the baby. I tried to kill myself. I keep pushing people away who want to help. And I’m scared to ask for help from anyone.”
“Oh, sweet girl,” he said, placing his forehead against mine. “You are surviving the best that you can with what you’ve been through. You’re the strongest girl I know in this entire world. You can’t keep beating yourself up for what you did. It happened, and it can stay in the past.”
“I can’t even tell Sawyer what’s going on. When I showed her what I did, she freaked. What would she do if she knew everything? She’d hate me.”
“Come here,” he said, pulling me to him. I went willingly, my tears overtaking anything else I could possibly say. He wrapped his arms around me as I leaned against his chest. “Give her time. Not everyone understands the whys, and some people just don’t know how to respond. It’s normal.”
Nothing about any of this was normal. My life wasn’t what anyone had, and I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I felt like I was drowning. Yet I was fighting.
The bigger question was — how long could Ikeepfighting?
I woke up to a pile of drool against my cheek. It took me a few slow blinks to remember where I was, or who I was using as my pillow. Zevon’s soft snores filled the space around me. His hand was on my head, limp and slightly heavy.
I didn’t remember falling asleep on him. What I did recall was that he’d put on some mindless movies and I instantly began to doze off as he chatted about something. I had no clue how long I’d slept, but I felt a little more alert. If it weren’t for my bladder, I’d have gladly let sleep take ahold of me again.
It’d been way too long since I felt safe and comfortable enough to sleep like the dead. Yes, I have felt safe here, but it was a different type of secure with Zevon. With him here, nothing unwelcome would come through that door.
Slowly, so as to not disturb him, I made my way off his leg that I had been using as a pillow. His hand flexed as it fell, but his breathing stayed even.
I guess I wasn’t the only one who was worn out from figuring out life. He had a good excuse, though.
After using the bathroom, I opened the door and ran straight into Zevon’s chest. I would have fallen over if he hadn’t stopped me.
“I swear the next person I run into will get a knee to their goods,” I huffed with a glare.
Zevon laughed, stepping back. “I’ll try make a bit more noise next time.”
After a moment, he moved out of the way and let me pass. I went straight back to the couch, plopping down—and not very gently, either. I let out a huge yawn.
“You’re really boring,” Zevon stated, taking a seat next to me a few minutes later, his arm across the back of the couch.
I shrugged.
“So,” he started. “When will your friend be back?”
“I’m not really sure. Whenever she gets off her shift.”
“She seems nice.”
“I like her, so be nice.”
“I wasn’t going to do anything,” he said, giving me a look. I didn’t believe a word. “I’ve never lied to you, princess. I’m not going to start now, okay?”
