“You’ll get that soon enough, Scarlett. I can already see the change in you, and it’s been what? A month? You’ve changed a lot. Just wait until everyone else notices it. I may not have known you when your family found you, but in the time I have, I’ve seen a huge growth in you. Don’t ever underestimate yourself.”
“Isee you met Sawyer’s brother,” Dr. Mayes said, shutting the door behind me after I entered her office. I set the red notebook that contained my entire life on top of the coffee table. I let go of the unknown man following me around town for the time being. I knew, in this room, he couldn’t get to me.
“I actually already knew him,” I answered.
“That’s interesting. How did that happen?” She picked up the notebook and sat it in her lap.
“He works for my grandfather. We met by accident when he was bringing home my drunk friend.”
“A lot of the people you know are through your grandfather, correct?”
“Yeah,” I answered, “but they’re all like family.” At least, the ones I’ve met so far and the ones that haven’t died due to not following orders.
“Family is important,” she said, opening the notebook to the first few pages. “How have the past few days been for you?”
“Fine,” I shrugged. “Nothing new to report as far as I know.”
“Okay,” she said, glancing back down to the hand-written pages. “You’ve definitely been handed one heck of a life, haven’t you? No wonder you’ve done what you’ve done. But that doesn’t matter at all in here. All that matters is that you’re trying to keep on going.”
I had no clue what to say about that.
When I didn’t say anything, she tore out the papers from the notebook, then sat them face-up on the table between us.
“These pages may contain your past, but do they control your future?”
“Uh…yeah? No? I don’t know.”
“Our pasts do not define who we are today,” she went on. “The past is the past, and yes, it has a part of who we may be today, but we—you—are the only person that has any control over what you can be. You are your own person, and the past shouldn’t hold you down. And until you put a stop to letting the past bring you down, you will never be able to swim above the surface.”
“How am I to do any of that? Everywhere I look, my past is right there.” My voice turned to a near beg as I ended my sentence.
“One foot in front of the other. Keep your head above water, and keep doing what you’re doing. But first, you must have theneedto do so. The desire to live life. That, right there, is step one.”
“Haven’t I done that already?” I was here, alive. Wasn’t that enough? At least I wasn’t trying to die anymore. That had to count for something.
“Yes and no. I can see that a small breeze can come sweep you back down. Your ladder is unsteady, Scarlett.” She leaned forward, pausing to make sure I was following her. “You are trying, I can see that. Each time I see you, I see a different side of you. Sure, it’s only been three weeks, but you’re getting there. It’s my job to tell you that it’s okay if you don’t first succeed. Just know that you will fall, but each time you will be able to pick yourself up easier. Until one day, little things will mean nothing when you face something that hurts.”
“So, for now, until you’re ready, you get to hang onto these pages,” she said, pushing them closer to me.
“And do what with them?”
“When you know, for sure, that you can live past what happened, toss them away. Cut them up into a million pieces. The choice is yours.”
“Why?” I was trying to wrap my mind around it all, but for some reason it wasn’t working.
“Because the past doesn’t define who you are today,” she repeated gently. “You’ll know when it’s time. You and only you. I can’t tell you when that time will be, because the mind is always a complicated thing to work with. But you will get there sooner or later. It won’t be tomorrow.
“Now,” she paused, changing subjects. “Before I see you next session, I’d like you to list the things in life that you like.”
“So I can tear that apart too?” I muttered but instantly regretted the words as they passed through my lips.
“No,” she said, not offended. “It’s to show you that life is a wonderful thing. These papers are about the negative you have been dealt. Now, it’s time to focus on the positive parts.”
“Oh.”
“No life, no matter what one person suffers through, is the same. Nor is how they come out on the top. But, as long as we can build an unwavering ladder, we will all get there in our own time.”
“What if I don’t?”
