“And the one on your arm?” Her voice was gentle, coaxing.
“I did that one,” I said, shutting my eyes as shame filled me. It was so strong it felt like it was going to suffocate me.
“Why?”
“I wanted to die. But no one in the house would let me. Maybe if I had a few more seconds I’d have finished what I started. But Collin stopped me. They just wouldn’t give up on me.” My voice cracked on the last few words.
“Do you still want to die, Scarlett?”
I looked up at her, really thinking over that answer. She waited with no judgement.
“No. At least not today. I do want to hurt myself sometimes, but I haven’t.”
“Sounds like you have an amazing support system,” she said, seeming relieved with my answer. “But there’s more to why you wanted to take your life. You don’t have to tell me today. But I am always here.”
“Figured Ace told you everything.”
“Only the real truth of what’s not in the newspapers, Scarlett. I know there is so much more to you than any media outlet portrays there to be. He only told me how far the abuse with Alan went, and years with someone like that takes time to recover from. You are truly doing amazing. This is our second one-on-one meeting, and only a handful of my patients have come right out and said the things they’ve been through.”
“I haven’t told you everything. Not even close.”
Would she judge me for what I’ve done?
“And you won’t tell me everything, and that’s fine. I won’t ever make you tell me more than what you want to. But if you want to find a way to live without any of that clouding your thoughts or hanging over your head, then you have to come to terms with it all one way or another.”
The words were at the tip of my tongue, but they wouldn’t form. Tears clouded my vision.
“Does Ace know? Collin?”
“Yes,” I nodded. “They all do.”
“Do any of them treat you differently from whatever it is that has you in tears?”
“No.”
“Then you shouldn’t either, Scarlett. It’s okay to feel like this over anything. A lost loved one. A broken heart. Finding out a secret that destroys your steady ground. Whatever it is, is wasn’t your fault.”
I lifted my eyes to hers, tears falling down my cheeks. With a deep breath and racing heart, the words came out with all the energy I had left.
“Alan…he…I was pregnant. I didn’t want it, so I took it into my hands and tried to take my life to make sure I didn’t have to look at an innocent baby that I’d hate every day for the rest of my life.”
Dr. Mayes quickly moved to sit beside me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me to her, letting my sobs take over as my heart cracked more.
Did I still stand by my choice? Yes. I knew I’d never be able to see a spawn created by Alan living without me wanting to hate it, and that wouldn’t be fair to it.
I still felt like I did the right thing, even if I wish I had gone about it a different way.
“You did what you thought needed to be done. It wasn’t your fault, Scarlett. And it sounds like no one in your family thinks any differently of you for doing it.”
“Collin said I’d have lost it anyways,” I sniffed, finally calming down.
“With all the trauma you went through, most likely. But at that time, you didn’t know.”
“Then why do I feel like this?” I asked, pulling back. She waited for me to blow my nose before answering. Why did I feel like my world was crashing down? Did I regret my choices, in a way?
“You’re human. We are meant to feel like this once in a while. We can’t ever heal from our mistakes or our issues until we do. Everyone has to heal, and there are many stages in doing so. Truthfully, I think you’re getting there faster than you think.”
“I’m so lost.”
