“Sawyer,” I said, slightly louder. “It is fine. We don’t know each other all that well. It’s understandable how you reacted. It’s water under the bridge.”
“Okay, you sure?” she asked uncertainly.
“Positive. I have enough other crap to worry about.”
She visibly relaxed, a smile taking over her face at my words. “So, want to watch a movie?”
My nerves were just as bad on the second session as they were the first one. My knee bounced in place as I looked down at my lap. I had a feeling today wasn’t going to be an easy day. Truthfully, most days weren’t easy, and I was getting tired of them being so difficult.
I just wanted to be instantly fixed, and I knew that wasn’t going to be possible.
“What’s on your mind today?” Dr. Mayes asked, taking a seat.
“Everything,” I answered, meeting her eyes. “Life. Death. Choices. Defeat. What isn’t on my mind would be a better question.”
“Tell me about it all, then. Maybe I can help you sort your thoughts.”
“I don’t even know where to begin,” I looked at her, hoping that she’d give me some idea. Maybe she held the handbook of how to deal with everything inside the brain and could tell me.
“Let’s start off with why you came to the group session looking defeated and worn out.”
“I was alone, and the thought of cutting entered my mind. That in turn caused me to panic.”
“Did you cut?”
“No. Collin called at the right time and talked me down. But it came out of nowhere.” Subconsciously, I placed one hand on my lower stomach. It wasn’t the first time I’d done it.
“Do you have the attacks often?”
“More than I’d like, yes. Normally, I can feel them coming on and I do what I can to prevent them. But eventually they always hit, and hit hard.”
“What do you do to keep them at bay?”
“Ignore them. Stay busy.” I shrugged. What else was I to do?
“Staying busy will help keep your mind from dwelling on things. Also talking to someone. It’s good that you normally know when you will have one, so you can get to a safe place. That is the best thing to do. And knowing what triggers them helps just as much. Now,” she paused, leaning forward slightly, “to help keep your head on right while having one is using your senses. Pick out noises around you. Count certain objects you see. Find a pattern in the wallpaper and follow it with your eyes or fingers. Pick out smells from foods if someone is cooking. It helps relax your muscles so you can control the panic.
“It doesn’t always work, but it will help. It’s more a mind-over-matter issue, in a sense.”
“Kay,” I said, letting the words soak in.
“Did you know that boredom can cause your depression to worsen? So find something to do, like word searches, puzzles, sudoku, or even read a book if you don’t want to be around people,” she went on. “I can prescribe you something if that technique isn’t able to help.”
“No.” I shook my head.
“I won’t force it, but you need to understand that if the panic attacks keep you from having a functioning life, medicine can help.”
“I was drugged enough already. I don’t want any of that if there are other ways.”
“Okay. Tell me about Collin.”
“He’s like a doctor. He works with Ace and he’s patched me up one too many times.”
“What do you mean by that?”
I looked down at the floor, biting my lip. Was she really going to make me say it?
“When I was first found, or kidnapped to be returned to my parents, however you want to look at it, he had to fix me up. There were a few deep gashes left by Alan. The one on my hip will never really disappear.”
