We were quiet, had been since I showed off my scar. Surely, she had noticed it before then. It wasn’t like I was trying to hide it.
I wasn’t sure I’d done the right thing. Sooner or later, if she hadn’t noticed it yet, she would have, and that would have led to more questions. I was sure she already did, since it wasn’t like her to not talk. That much I knew.
“Why?” she finally asked when our apartment was just up ahead.
“Why what?”
“Why did you do it?”
“Life,” I shrugged. “I wanted to die. I didn’t want to live anymore. Collin found me and fixed me up.”
“Was it just the one time?” Her voice was quiet, like she was afraid to know the answer.
“That time, yes.”
“My god!”
“At the time, I knew that if I didn’t do it, someone else would. The man who took me wants to kill me, and I’m sure he will get that chance once I actually truly want to live.”
“You can’t be serious!”
“Dead serious.”
She stopped, spinning to face me, and placed her hands on my upper arms.
“You can’t go thinking like that! I won’t let you!”
“But it’s how my life is. Always has been.”
“But you’re seeing Dr. Mayes.”
“Yes,” I said slowly, “because I need to come to terms with how my life was, and how my life will be. If you want to know if I still want to die, the answer is both yes and no. I don’t know if I want to live. I want to live for other people because they care so much about me. But for myself, no. I can’t sleep a full night without dealing with a nightmare. I can’t forget about the pain I caused to people who love me and blame themselves for what happened to me. And I certainly can’t deal with everything in my head most of the time.”
Without words, Sawyer pulled me to her, wrapping her arms around my stiff form. I felt her tears drop to my shoulder. I looked up at the sky, not wanting my emotions to take control right now. Not on the sidewalk of all places. I took deep breaths, hoping that what I was feeling would pass.
“You aren’t alone, Scarlett. I promise you. We all suffer from something.”
“Hey,” I said, clicking on the accept button to talk to Peyton through the iPad on FaceTime. It was good to see him. Words couldn’t describe it. I was beating myself up for taking so long to sit and really talk to him. His blond hair, one shade darker than mine, looked like it was just recently cut.
“Hey yourself, sorella,” he said, his light blue eyes looking me over too closely. “You look tired.”
I was. I hadn’t slept well again last night. This time, worry kept clouding my mind more than anything else. I kept beating myself up for showing my arm the way I did. It didn’t help matters that I was already tired before I did that. I was worn out.
“I’m fine,” I said before taking another sip of my coffee. The warmth seeped into my cupped hands. The blanket across my lap only helped a little to ward off the cold that didn’t want to leave my body.
“Scarlett,” Peyton sighed. He gave me that look that meant he knew I was lying. I simply raised a brow, because if he knew, there was no point in me telling him otherwise. “Fine. Why aren’t you sleeping?”
“Sleep and I just don’t agree.” I shrugged. It also wasn’t making things easier when the last text message flashed in my mind. The words may have been simple, but the meaning behind them was not.
Have fun playing house while you can
He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment before reopening them and pinning me where I sat. Even through the screen, I could feel his disappointment.
“So, change of subject. What have you been up to?” he asked.
“Therapy. I told you I was going all in, and I meant it. Yesterday was the first group therapy.”
“How’d that go?”
