My heart, which had slowly been put back together over the past week, cracked wide open at the thought of leaving. For once, I did know that I didn’t want to leave them behind. I craved to have a family. I wanted to keep them as close as possible in any way that I could.
I sniffed, wiping the threatening tears away.
I knew, right then, that I wouldn’t be able to leave. It would be easier if I weren’t starting to care for them. It would have been so much easier to do a lot of things if they weren’t so determined to prove that they did all care for me.
Each time one of them told me that they felt hopeless as they watched me suffer in misery, it cracked my broken shield a bit more.
Breathing in deeply, I held my breath for a moment to clear my head. When I let it out slowly, I had some sort of control over the impending water works.
If I wasn’t able to find myself, then I was just here…and that was okay for now.
Ilet out a huge yawn, covering my mouth with my good hand that wasn’t being tended to. My eyes watered at the force. Collin sat beside me, removing the stitches from my arm, being careful to not pull more than necessary. I didn’t tell him that it didn’t bother me.
“Didn’t sleep much?” he asked, causing me to look at him a moment as the words seeped into my brain.
I shook my head. Sleep didn’t happen at all. I was nearly dead on my feet.
“Why not?” He moved his eyes back down to his handiwork. I did have to agree that the stitches wouldn’t be leaving much of a scar behind. It’d only be my work that left a lasting mark.
“Thinking.”
“About?”
A lot of things and nothing at the same time. Instead of answering, I gave out a half shrug.
I was fascinated by how Collin’s hands moved to take out each stitch, one piece at a time. My arm twitched when the small, cold scissors touched my skin. I could remember how easy it was to press the blade into my skin. I could feel the flood seeping from my arm, flowing in a red river as it left my body.
The desire to do that again was so strong, I could almost taste it. I craved it.
“I want to hurt myself,” I said, still staring at my arm.
Collin’s hands stilled at my words. I don’t think he was expecting me to say that.
“Okay,” he gulped. “Why?”
Did he really want to know?
I slowly lifted my eyes to meet his dark brown ones. When our eyes met, I could see his pain.
“I just feel this need to,” I answered as honestly as I could. “I don’t exactlywantto hurt myself, but…but I do.”
“Have you been thinking about doing for a while?”
“Just now, actually,” I said, cocking my head to the side. “The idea just popped into my head. The craving to do so is right there. Like I can reach out and grab it, Collin.”
“What brought it on?” he asked, finishing his work. Then, he slowly packed up his supplies as he waited for my answer.
“Everything.”
“I see. Well…”
“I’m not going to go slit my wrist again,” I added quickly. “Mostly because I really do need to shave my legs and I’d hate to lose the razor. But all I’ve known is pain. I don’t know anything else.”
“I….shit! I don’t know what to do here, Scarlett,” Collin said, leaning back in his chair and rubbing a hand down his face. “Do I need to hide the knives?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t think so. I just…thought you should know, I guess.”
“Thank you for telling me,” he said. “I know this isn’t something you’d normally do.
