Chapter 9
Avidya
Dear Diary,
It has been a few weeks. I know. But not writing has given me time to figure things out, at least somewhat. As much as I can for the time being. I still don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, but I guess I’ll find out in time.
In the past few weeks, it feels like I am doing the right thing. It may be the only thing that counts, but as long as it keeps me living, then I’ll take it.
Three weeks ago, I left my husband. The one true person that I knew without a doubt that could keep me safe, give me what I’ve always wanted—love and peace—and I broke his heart to do so. I broke my own to do so.
I wonder if I made the right choice. I will always wonder. Now or ten years down the road. I will wonder if all this heartache was worth the price.
I know without a doubt that it will be.
My heart hurts and will continue to do so until I have the strength to face Zach again. I’m not sure I ever will. I fear what will happen when, and if, I ever do face him again.
I’m sure he has to hate me. I hate me.
I ran and haven’t looked back. I can’t. Not when I have life inside of me. I knew what would happen if I stayed. I would be devastated because I’d have been forced to do something I can’t do.
I possibly can’t see the good in choices if they are taken away from me.
Zach once promised me that he would never take my choices away. But he did. He was so angry at the thought of what could happen, that he took the choice clear away without a second thought. He promised me from the start that I would have a say over everything, but apparently not thisthingthat I was facing now.
I’m writing again. Not because my husband wanted me to while I lived with him, but so he can maybe someday understand my side of things. So he can understand why I ran. He has the right to know. It’s the only thing I can possibly give him in return for the heartache I have caused him.
I can’t write to him. I can’t because I know I’ll pour every little thing out to him if I sat down to do so. I have so much to say to him, yet nothing at all. I hurt so much, I don’t know if anything can ever fix it. Instead, after I fill in each of these notebooks with my words, with my thoughts, I’ll send them to Carlos. He will be able to get them to my husband when he feels the time is right.
Why did I run? I’m sure he wants to know. Everyone I left wants to know. The answer can’t be said yet. I can’t trust him to know what I hold deeply in my heart. I know it’s only a matter of time before he finds out from his father and even grandfather. But I can’t give up the last living thing I have.
It’s the reason I ran so far away. It’s the reason I asked the man that first proposed to get me out of the life that I was no doubt destined for in one way or another.
I may be alone, for the most part, but I will be happy with my choices. I have to be.
If running broke my marriage, I can’t ever be displeased with Zach’s choices in life. Just as he can’t with mine.
I’m tired, hurt, and happy all at once. I can envision my future and Zach isn’t there. I can’t see him here with me anytime soon. And that hurts. More than anything else.
I wish he could be. It’d make this easier. I wish I could be with my family. But, I can’t.
I’m here. And there is nothing that can change now.
I’ll be okay. I just hope that what I left behind will be okay too. I’m sorry for all the hurt that I have caused my departure. To everyone.
But we all must move on.
~Avidya
Closing the new notebook I had gotten at the store just the day before, I set it on the little side table beside the bed. I had gotten in the habit to write a few times a week, and now that I was able to get a new notebook and pen, I figured I might as well start it back up. I needed some form of outlet, and this was one of the few things I could come up with.
Writing not only helped sort my thoughts out, but helped me get things written out that I couldn’t say with spoken words. It helped to an extent, at least.
I also had picked up some new clothes, since I hardly brought anything with me. The weather was warmer, too, so I really needed shorts. I actually enjoyed shopping for myself for once. It hadn’t happened all that often my entire life, so I certainly took advantage of it.
California weather was way too warm for being this close to winter. During the day, it was hot and humid. By the time the sun set, it was cold. I never wanted to go home as much as I did now. I’d love nothing but to be held against Zach’s chest and hear his heartbeat within his chest.
Instead, I sat here on my borrowed bed, not sure what to do. I had yet to find a job, but I also hadn’t been looking all that hard to find one, either. I really was just content to stay here and sleep my days away.
