Ellory and Avory watch the boys eat while they do. When the twins are fully invested in their food, their attention turns to each other. The twins are between them, but you’d not know that when they look at each other.
Their love is strong. Visible. In the way they smile at each other. In their eyes. The tone in which they talk to each other. There are certain smiles that they reserve only for each other.
My heart hurts. I look at my plate as I slowly munch on the meat pie. My hands itch. These thoughts are sinful. That’s what Ryan would say. I need to be cleansed of them.
“You had a love bigger than that. If you’d followed me into death like you should have, you’d still be loved like that,”Ryan’s voice says.
I clench my jaw, trying to drown out his voice. My therapist says I still hear him because Ryan was the only voice of guidance and authority I’ve had for the majority of my life. He taught me everything, even when those lessons were wrong.
He conditioned me to be his puppet. I was the perfect little boy of his own design.
Maybe they’re right. But I hear Ryan as if he’s standing next to me. I can see him sometimes. I’ve told my therapists this over the years, and their answers don’t change. Ryan was the only adult in my life who had any impression on me. He made sure of that. I was trained to only work for his approval, and he’d trained me to know what his approval was.
Of course, I still see and hear him.
My eyes flicker to where I thought he’d been standing, but the space is empty. His voice came from my right. He’s not there anymore. Was he there at all?
“Kos’ second birthday is tomorrow,” Avory says. “Do you want to go shopping for a gift later?”
I turn my attention to him. “Tomorrow?”
He rolls his eyes, smiling. “You know Uncle Kairo. We’re supposed to read his mind andknowwhen he plans to celebrate Kos’ birthday.”
“Just like last year,” Ellory says.
Uncle Kairo is a bit of a dick, but not to me. I observe it often, but he’s always been kind to me. Or indifferent, at the very least.
“Okay,” I answer. “What do I get him?”
“I’d tell you he’s two, and he’s not going to care, but let’s do something somewhat generic because he’s a spoiled baby and has everything under the sun,” Ellory says.
Avory gives him an amused look as he hands Sawyer a piece of bread.
“Yes, yes. I’m spoiled too. It’s different.”
Avory snorts. “Of course it is, sweetheart.”
Ryan never called me sweetheart. Do I only wish someone would because it’s a sign of affection between two people deeply in love?
My hands itch, and I drop them into my lap as I chew. Fisting them together until my nails dig into my palms.
“Excuse me,” I say and push away from the table. I can feel everyone watching me walk out of the dining room. Even the twins.
I take the stairs two at a time and rush into my bathroom. The light over the sink is dim as I turn the water on and reach for the nail brush. That little soft-bristled brush that I use to get blood out from under my nails.
It has a second purpose, though. Two squirts of soap, and I begin scrubbing my hands under the water as it heats up. I need to get the dirty feeling away. I can’t reach the itchy, gross feelings that are carved into my bones by Ryan. I don’t know how he reached there, leaving remnants of himself in places I can’t get to, but they’re there.
This helps only a little.
“That’s not the cleansing you need, boy,”Ryan’s voice says.
I squeeze my eyes closed, ignoring him. Praying that he’ll go away and stop talking to me as I scrub my hands clean. The water is hot. The soft bristles irritate. The soap stings. My breathing feels labored.
I jump when a hand rests on my arm and inhale sharply.
Ellory’s there with concern. He turns the water off and gently takes the brush from my hands. They’re getting bloody. I see hints of blood in the creases of my skin.
He wraps my hands in a cloth and puts them on my chest before taking me in his arms. Ellory sighs. “Honey, what do you need? Tell me. Anything at all.”
