His shoulders drop, and he gets to his feet. I watch, perplexed, as he disappears into the bathroom. Okay, then.
While he’s in the bathroom, I text Ellory.
Me
Malin is here. He showed up in the middle of the night, saying he’s tired.
Ellory
Uh…
Me
Yep. I was just as confused. He hasn’t offered any other explanation, but he’s still here. Just wanted you to know.
Ellory
Thanks for letting me know. I’m worried about him. Something has been hanging heavier over his head lately.
I nod. Only because I’ve been watching him like a stalker since I arrived at the Estate am I able to see that too. Malin is always a quiet man. He takes up as little space as he can, rarely talking to anyone.
As Ellory said, there’s something sitting heavily on his shoulders recently. I can almost see it weighing him down. The only times I’ve seen it fall are the few times I’ve had him close.
Maybe he needs more hugs.
Malin comes out of the bathroom and climbs back into bed. He tucks the shirt he’d taken under the blankets and returns to my arms, where I can hug him.
“I let Ellory know you’re here.”
He nods. “Thanks. I didn’t think to leave a note.”
“No problem.”
“Do you mind that I showed up unannounced?”
I imagine the question he’s asking is if I’m mad about it. “Not at all. A little bewildered, but I’m not upset. I’m glad you know you can come to me if you need to.”
“It’s just… everything is quiet with you. It’s so loud otherwise, and I can’t sleep.”
I’m not going to pretend I understand what he means. Yes, there are twin one-year-olds in his house, so I imagine it could be a little chaotic. Ellory is a little chaotic all on his own. Something tells me that’s not the case, though.
9
MALIN
I spendas much time as I can with Gracen over the next couple of weeks. I’m so relieved that there’s something about him that silences Ryan’s voice in my head that I don’t think about what it might mean otherwise or how my constant seeking him out could be interpreted.
A lot of the time I spend asleep. After many weeks of not sleeping because Ryan is angrier than usual, I take every opportunity to catch up.
Four days ago, I realized that it’s not just the peace Gracen offers, but I also enjoy his company. I enjoy our conversations. Most of the time, they’re about nothing at all. This realization alone silenced Ryan for quite some time, since I can’t recall a single time in my life that I’ve wanted to spend time with someone.
Maybe as a small child.
Can I really count the years I wanted to be in Ryan’s company? Abused children are always looking to their abusers for approvalin hopes that, with said approval, the abuse will stop. Even though I didn’t view what Ryan did to me as abuse or wrong by any means, I loved the days when he didn’t touch me under my clothes. Even as I got older and the touch hurt less, the days he left me alone were my favorite days.
When he’d just tell me I was his good boy, a perfect boy for all to see how they should behave. When I could watch him work and see him spread the word of God. Those were my favorite days.
But even that time when I wanted to be with Ryan, it was a different feeling than this. I can’t explain why. I don’t understand how it’s different. Is it because the expectations are different?
