I can’t imagine doing even a quarter of what they’re doing when I was their age. Granted, my life looked very different.
We bump into the dock, and Oakley hands over boxes of food. They’re the kind of boxes that contain an entire meal. Loren loads a new cooler filled with fresh drinks.
“Thanks, Daddy,” Rosalie says, batting her eyes.
Oakley eats it up. Obviously. Loren is far too removed from human emotions to take the bait. That doesn’t mean he’s not obsessively protective of his kids and won’t give them anything they ask for. It just means he can’t be manipulated in the same way others are. He keeps the kids honest for sure.
Rosalie hands me and Gracen boxes, and I almost skip eating because it means sliding further away, and when I’m further away, I’ll hear Ryan’s voice again. I don’t know what it is about Gracen that silences him, but I want to cling to it with everything in me.
“Are you okay?” Gracen asks. Probably because I’m still clinging to his side.
“Yes, I’m…” What can I say to stay close?
The kids are seated on the floor at our feet. They have everything from their boxes dumped into a pile between them and are divvying it up. Kids are weird.
“It’s all right,” Gracen says after a minute. His voice is quiet. “You can sit close to me and eat.”
He sees through me. Does he see Ryan, too? Does he hear him? I look around, wondering if others see my hallucinations. Ryan is sitting beside me. I can almost feel his touch as he tries to force me away from Gracen.
No one else seems to notice him, though. No one takes any notice of his constant scolding. Not even Gracen seems to notice.
Why would they, though? It’s all in my head. I’m punishing myself for not dying with him. That’s what a therapist told me when I said I see and hear him. It’s just me. It’s everything he’s done to me. It’s all I’ve ever known.
I’m not even sure they’re wrong.
“Thanks,” I say, and open my box with the hand not on his leg. There are half a dozen food items in it, one of which is a delicious-looking sandwich. I could really use both hands for this. It takes me a moment of debating my options to determine how to make this work.
I slide my leg over so it’s in contact with Gracen’s. He shifts so his leg is closer, and I don’t have to awkwardly reach so far. There. That’s better. I’m close enough that I can smell the wonderful scent that is Gracen Van Doren. I can feel him right here.AndI can eat.
This might be the first time since leaving the island that I almost feel at peace. I can listen to the kids talk without Ryan’s narration. I can taste the food instead of finishing quickly, so I can get away from those around me in case they suddenly hear Ryan listing my sins.
I don’t want anyone else to believe that I’m as dirty and sinful as he says I am. I’ve never been so dirty and sinful in my entire life since Ryan died. At least, that’s what he says. Has he lied to me before? Was I sinful just so he could punish me?
Wait… Cleanse me. He never punished me. Never.
Which is not what my therapists say. They often interchange cleanse with punish. But they don’t understand. Cleansings weren’t punishment. They were to help those who sinned become worthy of god and heaven. They were helpful. Necessary.
They say I’m brainwashed.
I sigh and take my time eating to enjoy the flavors and the peace. Even with Ryan right there, so close, I can’t hear him. I can tilt my head and not see him.
Is this what it’s like to be a normal boy? Normal people don’t hear ghosts from their past.
When we’re finished eating, Gracen moves away long enough to take care of our containers. I hear Ryan loud and clear for a solid two minutes as he tells me how disgusting I am. But then Gracen is back with drinks, and I’m surrounded by blessed silence again.
We continue floating around with the kids for quite some time. Eventually, Loren and Oakley join us. I listen to them talk and note how similar their interactions are to Avory and Ellory’s. Are all people in love like this?
Is that what I’d see if I were watching from outside and observing me and Ryan when he was alive? He always said he loved me more than anything. He’d do anything for me. To protect me. To make me happy.
Without Ryan in my head, I actually talk to them. To the adults and the kids. I think I’ve said more in the couple of hours we floated around after we ate than I have in months combined. And I have Gracen to thank for that.
Whatever magic this man holds, he alone has the ability to shut off Ryan’s voice. I’ve never known peace like this. Not in my entire life.
How do I keep it? How do I bottle it up and take it with me?
I look at Gracen and think,maybe I just need to keep him with me all the time.That’s not such a bad idea. Although… the thought makes my heart race.
Strange.
