“Eventually, I stopped coming home except for my kids’ birthdays. Holidays. Vacations. I called often. All the time. But the chasm that had been growing between Natalia and me only got bigger, so our conversations became nonexistent. So I called for my kids. Even in the early days of this breakdown, I could hear the distance in the way my kids talked to me.”
Once again, Kendrick’s voice trails off. I can see the pain on his face as he explains, and I desperately want to take it away. But I’m frozen right where I tried to leave, with his fingers on my chin, keeping me here.
So I stare and wait.
CHAPTER 28
KENDRICK
I’m not sure I’ve ever explained the breakdown of my family to anyone. I’ve never said the words out loud. I’ve never found a moment in my life when it was important to tell someone about my situation.
But feeling the way Brevan stiffened in my arms as Natalia screamed at meagain, I reached my limit. In that second, I knew I was about to lose him. He was going to bolt out the door and think the wrong thing as he walked out of my life.
That was the first time I’d ever lowered myself to Natalia’s level. The first time in our entire relationship, the entire time we’ve known each other, that I’ve raised my voice at her. However, my situation with Natalia is going to need to wait.
Right now, I need to make sure that Brevan understands my situation, so he’ll choose to stay. No matter how much it hurts to talk about.
“I would like to tell you it was just my physical absence in their lives that resulted in my children not wanting to have a relationship with me. It wasn’t something they ever said outright. It was in our phone calls. Their complete disinterest was… rough. All these years later, it’s still rough. I used to call daily and then weekly. I continued to call weekly right until myyoungest graduated from high school. Now it’s time for me to accept that they’re adults, and as adults, if they don’t want me in their lives, then I’m not going to force them to accept me.”
Brevan shakes his head a little, but I don’t stop. I’m not ready for him to talk yet. I need him to hear it all.
“My oldest son spent the week here with Martha, and it was the first time I’ve seen one of my kids outside of their graduations. They didn’t want me around, so I didn’t come around. I’d hoped that Seth’s visit—because he arrived a few days before we left for Iceland—meant we could reconnect. Maybe we did a little. But something I’ve suspected all along was confirmed. I think Natalia is the reason my kids don’t want me around. I know for a fact now that Natalia at least rants about this divorce to Seth, who has inadvertently confirmed the lies she spreads in anger. I can only imagine how long she’s complained about me. About my absence. Maybe about choosing my job over my kids and family as a way to vilify me in my absence. The way Seth mentioned a few things she’s said while we were away leads me to believe this was a common occurrence.”
“That’s shit,” Brevan says, and I’m surprised he sounds angry. My breath catches when he pulls away. “What kind of person does that?”
“I didn’t mean to walk out on my kids,” I try to explain.
He shakes his head. “Not you.Her. Yes, you should have kept driving back to see them, but it’s bullshit that she badmouthed you to them at all. But it’s also shit that they not only believe her but have decided that they don’t want you in their lives. I’d give anything to have my parents in my life. Anything at all.”
Tears make his eyes glisten, and he abruptly turns away, squeezing his eyes shut. I watch, frozen, as he wipes his eyes. “Sorry,” Brevan mutters. “I hate when kids are stupid, thinking their parents are always going to be there. Some kids don’t get tosay goodbye to their parents at all, and here you have three who are acting like idiots because their hateful mother is filling their heads with crap—something they should fucking see by now!”
I’ve never seen Brevan anything but mellow. He has a calm demeanor about him. His presence makes those around him relax and smile.
This kind of explosion of emotion takes me off guard, and I wonder how long he’s had that building up inside him. I reach for him, bringing him into my chest again. He struggles to stop his tears, but he’s hurting. I have a feeling he’s not used to letting himself feel the hurt.
There aren’t any words I can offer to take away this pain, though. Especially not after so many years of it stewing just under the surface. So I hold him close and let him take all the time he needs.
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs. “I didn’t know that was going to happen.”
I kiss his head. “It’s okay. I wish I could take away your hurt.”
His lip trembles, and I hold him a little tighter as fresh tears track down his cheeks. “No offense, Kendrick, but I’d like to slap your kids.”
I laugh and press my face into his hair. “I’m not going to get involved in my wife’s drama game. They’re old enough to ask questions. Old enough to figure out that whatever Natalia may or may not have said, either intentionally or inadvertently overheard, is driven by their mother’s anger.”
“Because you left,” Brevan says.
“I don’t know.” I sigh. “Yes. Because I chose to work here instead of staying in Anaheim. I’m not saying I’m not partly responsible for the dissolution of our marriage. I most certainly am. However, to think it’s okay in any way to turn our children against me? To talk shit about me to our kids? To share bullshit lies because she’s angry?” I shake my head.
“It sounds like she’s been evil long before you asked for a divorce.”
I huff quietly. “She’s not evil. My absence forced her to be a single parent. She had to handle everything with our kids alone. I’mnotinnocent in all this. I know that. There are a lot of things I should have done differently. I shouldn’t have stopped going home, first and foremost. I should not have abandoned my kids.”
“But you didn’t,” Brevan argues. “You said you called all the time.”
“I did, but that’s not the same as being physically present.”
He doesn’t argue with that, though I can feel the way he’s ready to. “Brevan, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Natalia. I wasn’t hiding her in the way it feels I was. She’s not been a part of my life in a very long time, and I haven’t had a relationship with anyone besides Natalia since before we met, so it didn’t even occur to me to tell you.AndI filed for divorce eight months ago. It might not be legally finalized, but as far as I’m concerned, she’s my ex-wife.”
