Or at least, part of the reason. I also know that he’s hanging out with his friends after. Glancing at the time, I know that he’s already with them.
I’m not jealous that he’s with his friends. I’m glad he’s hanging out with them.
Sighing, I lean back on the couch and open one of the new apps on my phone. Dasan found apps specifically designed for what we’re doing. The first, Caress, is a journaling app. There’s a habit tracker and prompts, and our accounts are connected.
There’s an option to make entries private, but we agreed that I would never use that. And I won’t. Breaking trust means another essay, and I’m not going to do that again if I can help it.
The second app is called Submit. Shocking, right? But it performs the way I’d mentioned regarding rules—keeping them in one place where I can access them easily. Dasan enters rules and the punishments correlated to breaking them. There’s also a place for to-do lists, such as my morning body-image check,daily journaling, and checking in four times a day, and you can set them up as recurring.
I’d been comfortable with just having the rules and expectations laid out the last day on Kala, but having this in place makes me feel firmly comfortable. If I ever have a question, I have something to look at. When Dasan adds something—either a brand-new something or something that he’d forgotten to add initially—I receive a notification. And he receives notification that I’ve looked at it.
I absently touch my neck for maybe the hundredth time since being home alone. There’s going to be a raw spot where I keep touching. I never would have thought that I wanted a collar before, but since seeing those boys with collars on and hearing how happy—and proud—they were to be owned… It’s all I can think about.
I feel like I’m owned too, but I don’t have the proof around my neck. Instead, I was collarless like the boys who didn’t have a dom of their own. It felt… dizzy. There was nothing I liked about that moment.
It’s not difficult to admit that Dasan had been right about the meet-up. While I hadn’t thought I’d take anything away from seeing other subs, I sure as fuck did. I now know exactly what I’m not. Not a slave, not a brat, not a Little, not a pet. The “not” list is rather extensive.
But there’s more on the “I am” list than I thought. Mostly because I didn’t realize there were more nuances to being a sub than there is. It’s not as simple as just doing as I’m told. There are different kinds of subs and different aspects to subbing.
For instance, Benji was telling me about his bedroom submissive role, and while he does exactly what I do, they also play with ropes and impact and stuff. Not going to lie, I’m as terrified of those things as I am excited by the idea.
I wrote about these thoughts for the first time this morning when I knew Dasan was busy and couldn’t talk to me about them yet. I’m not sure we’ll explore those things because I don’t know how Dasan feels about it.
I don’t get notified when he reads my journal entries, and he doesn’t always bring them up. I have a dozen already because when I’m sitting here doing nothing, I begin typing whatever I’m thinking of, as if I have a whole lot bottled up that I need to get out.
It helps that I don’t have to say the words out loud. I wrote that in one of my journal entries, and a new rule appeared in the other app stating that if speaking something was too much for me, I could write it into my journal. It would be addressed directly if necessary, but otherwise, Dasan would address it without bringing it to my attention.
The only other thing he truly brought up was my musings on topping. That was a side tangent from a conversation with Esmond in the kitchen. He said he loved being a needy little bottom, but he alsolovedtopping. I was just writing in whatever without thinking about it, which I’ve been praised for repeatedly in the last forty-eight hours since using the app.
We talked about it, and Dasan said he’d be down for trying. He’s never bottomed before, though he’s been fingered. The way my entire body heated up told me I was definitely into the idea of topping him. Being inside him feels… big. Like a supernatural entity is lowering themselves to a mere mortal in a very vulnerable way. He’s trusting me with that.
Not right now, though. He said if I’d brought it up at the beginning of our Kala trip, we could have messed around, but he doesn’t want anything to interfere with his game. Being sore in ways he doesn’t know might screw up his game.
I told him my first time with him didn’t leave me achy at all, though the times after that I’m always achy. He laughed and saidhe’d been so terrified of hurting me that he probably stretched me wide enough to accommodate two of his dicks.
Not that I’d known that. All I’d felt was the wonder and pleasure of him touching me.
I nearly jump when my phone rings since I’m so focused on my journal. I quickly save the passage before answering my phone. My players don’t call me often, so Ren calling out of the blue is a little concerning. Because with Ren comes the chance that Felton’s fallen into a bad place again.
“Hello,” I answer.
“Hey, Coach. Is this a bad time?”
“Not at all. Everything okay?”
“Yeah, we’re good. Felton is fine.” I smile, not surprised that he knew that’s right where my mind went. “So, Dasan and I had a conversation a while ago.”
Immediately, my heart nearly stops. Oh, fuck. God, did he figure us out?
It takes me a minute to realize he’s still talking then another minute further to figure out that this has nothing at all to do with me and Dasan. Which also means I’ve missed a few sentences.
“I’ve been talking to other minorities in the league, and we have a solid two dozen guys who are willing to be involved. Felton has facilitated a few conversations with some of the Gays Can Play crew, and we think that, initially, we can expand on their events to include more focus on diversity within pro sports—specifically hockey since that’s where we play.”
“That sounds great, Ren.”
“It’s good,” he agrees. “I’m calling because I’d like to ask if you’d be willing to support us when we bring it up to Winnipeg management and then further, the league.”
“Absolutely, Ren. I’d be happy to endorse the creation of this program.”
